Round One: Frank vs. Grafx [OPEN FOR VOTES]

Pinot Grij · 01-12-2016, 12:19 PM

grafx - I think this would have been stronger only focusing on the education angle - once I delved into the main stanza of your verse, the opening few lines seemed really out of place with what I felt you were trying to say. A pretty decent effort here - fairly simplistic but articulated well. Your rhyme scheme got more simplified as the verse wore on. I think to convey the complexity of the system you are describing, it would've been really effective to mix in in-rhymes and end-rhymes and do something completely disarming.

Frank - Frank. Frank. Frank. This is a great piece, and you are a great writer. And I am definitely voting for you - there was great complexity in this piece and you offered a different take on a classic story, so everytime you hit on an aspect of it, it stirred up a memory for me and I'm sure everyone else who reads it.

But this verse contains so many examples of my biggest pet peeve in writing these days and that's unnecessary words used to either sound smarter or matched rhyme scheme even though it doesn't make any sense.

Examples:
embering - not a word
overprotective horse - unnecessary descriptor
magenta decor - decor is a stretch when describing the outdoors
cinnamon and peppermint swarms - not really swarms, but clouds, right?
descendance of storks with shreddering squawks - shreddering?
meddling ball - the ball itself does not meddle, she does.
Complimentive - not a word
sedative snore - the snore does not sedate, if anything I would say a snore is disruptive
infectious affectionate force - affection and force feel very strange side by side
Elm in a hoard - a hoard of horses? or a hoard of dwarves? either way, very strangely worded.
sulking wind - I can't begin to imagine what a sulking wind is
Timidly he withdrawnly - withdrawnly NOT A WORD and timidly already modifies your verb
hesitant, hoarse - two very disparate adjectives given the context
Focuses the lenses - can you focus the lenses on a pair of glasses?
interjectably - not a word
realm of morph - ???
cottage cabin - isn't a cottage a cabin? and a cabin a cottage?

I don't want to shit all over the verse, but cleaning up this kind of stuff just seems to me like it would make for a much smoother, cleaner read. I don't mind cheating on diction or word use if it's done sparingly and artistically, but this is just overkill - and for no reason when you have a great verse without having to stretch it. There were many instances of outstanding rhyming within the scheme you are using:

Twilight reflects from the sword. The Prince refers to his compass - a tiny, wobbly arrow directing him north.

wet on the porch / beckoning forth / spectacles off / delicate cloth / rejects and ignores / assembles the score

I feel like this verse is a beautiful building with great architectural design that is covered in ivy.

Vote -- Frank

01-12-2016, 12:19 PM	#6
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	grafx - I think this would have been stronger only focusing on the education angle - once I delved into the main stanza of your verse, the opening few lines seemed really out of place with what I felt you were trying to say. A pretty decent effort here - fairly simplistic but articulated well. Your rhyme scheme got more simplified as the verse wore on. I think to convey the complexity of the system you are describing, it would've been really effective to mix in in-rhymes and end-rhymes and do something completely disarming. Frank - Frank. Frank. Frank. This is a great piece, and you are a great writer. And I am definitely voting for you - there was great complexity in this piece and you offered a different take on a classic story, so everytime you hit on an aspect of it, it stirred up a memory for me and I'm sure everyone else who reads it. But this verse contains so many examples of my biggest pet peeve in writing these days and that's unnecessary words used to either sound smarter or matched rhyme scheme even though it doesn't make any sense. Examples: embering - not a word overprotective horse - unnecessary descriptor magenta decor - decor is a stretch when describing the outdoors cinnamon and peppermint swarms - not really swarms, but clouds, right? descendance of storks with shreddering squawks - shreddering? meddling ball - the ball itself does not meddle, she does. Complimentive - not a word sedative snore - the snore does not sedate, if anything I would say a snore is disruptive infectious affectionate force - affection and force feel very strange side by side Elm in a hoard - a hoard of horses? or a hoard of dwarves? either way, very strangely worded. sulking wind - I can't begin to imagine what a sulking wind is Timidly he withdrawnly - withdrawnly NOT A WORD and timidly already modifies your verb hesitant, hoarse - two very disparate adjectives given the context Focuses the lenses - can you focus the lenses on a pair of glasses? interjectably - not a word realm of morph - ??? cottage cabin - isn't a cottage a cabin? and a cabin a cottage? I don't want to shit all over the verse, but cleaning up this kind of stuff just seems to me like it would make for a much smoother, cleaner read. I don't mind cheating on diction or word use if it's done sparingly and artistically, but this is just overkill - and for no reason when you have a great verse without having to stretch it. There were many instances of outstanding rhyming within the scheme you are using: Twilight reflects from the sword. The Prince refers to his compass - a tiny, wobbly arrow directing him north. wet on the porch / beckoning forth / spectacles off / delicate cloth / rejects and ignores / assembles the score I feel like this verse is a beautiful building with great architectural design that is covered in ivy. Vote -- Frank __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.