Round One: MMLP vs. Pent UP [OPEN FOR VOTES]

Cimmerian · 01-11-2016, 05:56 PM

MMLP

Personal interpretation: This is a linear story about a farm girl who had a bird, presumably a chicken, as a pet. Her farmer parents take her friend away from her to be slaughtered. For the first time, the child discovers the slaughterhouse and her dead friend. She becomes a vegetarian.

Praise: It was an interesting take on the picture. I suppose the narrator is the girl in the cage empathizing with her avian friend. The story developed fine (with the exception I discuss in the section below).

Constructive Criticism: It was difficult to determine who the characters were in the story until you described that she was featherless. I had a suspicion when you used words like "brood" and "chicks." But for me, it was not clear. Birds don't have cribs, quiffs (maybe I'm wrong?), or giggles. The piece could have been strengthened with more descriptive clarification.

I got a little lost in some of the lines. I did not understand "played up the pigs."

"It was a major coup when meeting my friend." - I don't think "major coup" is the right descriptor here.

I felt the rhyming wavered at times.

Pent UP

Personal Interpretation: This piece consists of verses regarding
loneliness and anxiety. The piece is entitled Why the Caged Birdman Sings but does not appear to tackle the themes that Angelou (racism, rape, identity, etc.) or Iñárritu & co. (black humor, father/daughter relationship, mental health) cover in their works. It ends with a critique of society.

Praise: It flowed well. You undertook the symbolic approach of the picture that I would have taken.

Constructive Criticism: In some areas, I think you may have overly sacrificed content for flow. For example, "And caged birdmen have been plucked into a steady diminish." Diminish is a verb not a noun. I don't think it works here.

Overall: I enjoyed the approach and flow that Pent UP employed more than the linear storytelling that MMLP provided. So, I vote Pent UP.

Cimm.

01-11-2016, 05:56 PM	#6
Cimmerian Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2013 Posts: 142 Rep Power: 2933499	MMLP Personal interpretation: This is a linear story about a farm girl who had a bird, presumably a chicken, as a pet. Her farmer parents take her friend away from her to be slaughtered. For the first time, the child discovers the slaughterhouse and her dead friend. She becomes a vegetarian. Praise: It was an interesting take on the picture. I suppose the narrator is the girl in the cage empathizing with her avian friend. The story developed fine (with the exception I discuss in the section below). Constructive Criticism: It was difficult to determine who the characters were in the story until you described that she was featherless. I had a suspicion when you used words like "brood" and "chicks." But for me, it was not clear. Birds don't have cribs, quiffs (maybe I'm wrong?), or giggles. The piece could have been strengthened with more descriptive clarification. I got a little lost in some of the lines. I did not understand "played up the pigs." "It was a major coup when meeting my friend." - I don't think "major coup" is the right descriptor here. I felt the rhyming wavered at times. Pent UP Personal Interpretation: This piece consists of verses regarding loneliness and anxiety. The piece is entitled Why the Caged Birdman Sings but does not appear to tackle the themes that Angelou (racism, rape, identity, etc.) or Iñárritu & co. (black humor, father/daughter relationship, mental health) cover in their works. It ends with a critique of society. Praise: It flowed well. You undertook the symbolic approach of the picture that I would have taken. Constructive Criticism: In some areas, I think you may have overly sacrificed content for flow. For example, "And caged birdmen have been plucked into a steady diminish." Diminish is a verb not a noun. I don't think it works here. Overall: I enjoyed the approach and flow that Pent UP employed more than the linear storytelling that MMLP provided. So, I vote Pent UP. Cimm.