AOWL Spotlight Match #1: Frank (6-2) VS. dead man (2-2) [DEAD MAN WINS, 5-3.]

Objective · 05-07-2013, 06:35 PM

Dead Man: Your intro throws me off. Not in terms of the amazing imagery you present or anything in regards of the fluent and easy to follow flow that's obviously there, the intro or the rhymes in general, but it's the very fact that your grammar and punctuation fucking sucks to the point where you present your sentences likes this;

they never understood. i only wanted to build,
knowledge fulfilled, often concealed, a philosopher's guild
inoperative villagers that cling to their pasts,
who pray for better days but never live for a chance
to experience a presence in a moment's retention
appearance and description never closer to essence
than a sense or a sound.

No capital letter to start off the sentences, no capital letter on ''I'' and your overall grammatical errors should have been the same errors that should be enforced on the pieces I write (as a foreign writer on this site) or in the classroom to third graders. Punctuation is important help the reader catch your flow and with lack of commas later on in your piece I get thrown off even more and got to re-read some sentences due to that.
I would easilly have overlooked the ''I'' shit, but overall it annoys me. This is a spotlight match so I figured I should tell you how much it actually draws my attention from the shit you're actually saying. I might be the only one, but in battles like these shit that throws off readers may as well cost you a vote if the pieces are equally great. Yes, I'm a bitch and a whiny brat when it comes to this and I easilly ignore it on the forum and elsewhere on the net because I realize this isn't a fucking classroom. But truth be told that in a battle or writing in general you should be more aware of how you present your stuff. If you ever wish to look into what writing might hold for you outside of netcees, and the internet as a whole in the future, you should think about looking into improving these aspects as it can only give strength to possible works you might want to put in a portfolio or whatever later on. I don't know what you want from writing or if it's just a hobby that will never venture outside of netcees, but you obviously got something there that could be worth experimenting with later on in terms of prose, poetry or short stories/novels. If grammar is hard for you I would suggest running a word correction in whatever program you're using to write your shit or an external program for such things.

Beside of my long rant of bashing on you for errors, the piece itself is actually pretty good. I liked most of the stuff you were saying and the story is cool enough. You describe things that are easy to grasp. The wording might be a bit fucked here and there though, ''Gods also will die'' for instance. I think it would read better if written like this; ''Even Gods eventually die'' which also sounds allright enough with the following sentence that ends with ''consciously blind''.

All-in-all a great piece that presented the topic given well with a few annoying errors as a reader in terms of errors.

Frank: Enjoyed the intro and looking forward to read more. However, I think you repeated the word ''twin'' a bit too much, but that's nitpicking similar to me writing a long rant about Dead Mans grammar. The entire paragraph is kinda long as compared to the others but that doesn't matter at all. I enjoyed how you described the events and the relationship between the two of them. Very great narrating along with a rhymescheme that was complex at times yet easy to follow. Interesting end of the paragraph as well; ''Are we putting roofs over our childrens heads or circus tents?'' Hah, nice!

Second paragraph was great as fuck and thickens the plot. Especially enjoyed this shit;
Backwards ways our winding roads have lead us to nowhere, but a hearse, a ditch,
The chime from heaven - the serpents hiss - the orchestra merged and split - the turbulence.
^Dope!

The third paragraph tells you more about Heroine and what a sly bitch she is once you hang out with her. In terms of rhyming I couldn't get the ''smoking her ashes'' to work with the scheme which sucks donkeyballs.

Everything after that was dope in terms of the rhymescheme and flow you had going throughout except for the previous fluke and wraps up the concept you were trying to convey. I enjoyed the creativity of giving these substances names. How it all intertwined with the picture given was really well done in my opinion and I loved the concept.

Vote: Frank. Both definately had great verses but I think Frank was simply on a different level with his piece. Definately looking forward to read more from both. Allthough my rant towards Dead Man might make people think otherwise I actually enjoyed the read quite a lot when I looked past that shit on the second read though.

05-07-2013, 06:35 PM	#7
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	Dead Man: Your intro throws me off. Not in terms of the amazing imagery you present or anything in regards of the fluent and easy to follow flow that's obviously there, the intro or the rhymes in general, but it's the very fact that your grammar and punctuation fucking sucks to the point where you present your sentences likes this; they never understood. i only wanted to build, knowledge fulfilled, often concealed, a philosopher's guild inoperative villagers that cling to their pasts, who pray for better days but never live for a chance to experience a presence in a moment's retention appearance and description never closer to essence than a sense or a sound. No capital letter to start off the sentences, no capital letter on ''I'' and your overall grammatical errors should have been the same errors that should be enforced on the pieces I write (as a foreign writer on this site) or in the classroom to third graders. Punctuation is important help the reader catch your flow and with lack of commas later on in your piece I get thrown off even more and got to re-read some sentences due to that. I would easilly have overlooked the ''I'' shit, but overall it annoys me. This is a spotlight match so I figured I should tell you how much it actually draws my attention from the shit you're actually saying. I might be the only one, but in battles like these shit that throws off readers may as well cost you a vote if the pieces are equally great. Yes, I'm a bitch and a whiny brat when it comes to this and I easilly ignore it on the forum and elsewhere on the net because I realize this isn't a fucking classroom. But truth be told that in a battle or writing in general you should be more aware of how you present your stuff. If you ever wish to look into what writing might hold for you outside of netcees, and the internet as a whole in the future, you should think about looking into improving these aspects as it can only give strength to possible works you might want to put in a portfolio or whatever later on. I don't know what you want from writing or if it's just a hobby that will never venture outside of netcees, but you obviously got something there that could be worth experimenting with later on in terms of prose, poetry or short stories/novels. If grammar is hard for you I would suggest running a word correction in whatever program you're using to write your shit or an external program for such things. Beside of my long rant of bashing on you for errors, the piece itself is actually pretty good. I liked most of the stuff you were saying and the story is cool enough. You describe things that are easy to grasp. The wording might be a bit fucked here and there though, ''Gods also will die'' for instance. I think it would read better if written like this; ''Even Gods eventually die'' which also sounds allright enough with the following sentence that ends with ''consciously blind''. All-in-all a great piece that presented the topic given well with a few annoying errors as a reader in terms of errors. Frank: Enjoyed the intro and looking forward to read more. However, I think you repeated the word ''twin'' a bit too much, but that's nitpicking similar to me writing a long rant about Dead Mans grammar. The entire paragraph is kinda long as compared to the others but that doesn't matter at all. I enjoyed how you described the events and the relationship between the two of them. Very great narrating along with a rhymescheme that was complex at times yet easy to follow. Interesting end of the paragraph as well; ''Are we putting roofs over our childrens heads or circus tents?'' Hah, nice! Second paragraph was great as fuck and thickens the plot. Especially enjoyed this shit; Backwards ways our winding roads have lead us to nowhere, but a hearse, a ditch, The chime from heaven - the serpents hiss - the orchestra merged and split - the turbulence. ^Dope! The third paragraph tells you more about Heroine and what a sly bitch she is once you hang out with her. In terms of rhyming I couldn't get the ''smoking her ashes'' to work with the scheme which sucks donkeyballs. Everything after that was dope in terms of the rhymescheme and flow you had going throughout except for the previous fluke and wraps up the concept you were trying to convey. I enjoyed the creativity of giving these substances names. How it all intertwined with the picture given was really well done in my opinion and I loved the concept. Vote: Frank. Both definately had great verses but I think Frank was simply on a different level with his piece. Definately looking forward to read more from both. Allthough my rant towards Dead Man might make people think otherwise I actually enjoyed the read quite a lot when I looked past that shit on the second read though.