AOWL #1 CONTENDER MATCH: Vulgar (3-0) VS. ZeeDee (4-2) [ZEEDEE WINS, 6-2.]

Objective · 05-07-2013, 05:31 PM

ZeeDee: The intro is cool and easilly lets me in on some of the ideas you got and what kind of approach you're taking. I like that. No need to keep me questioning and let's be straight forward and get it popping kinda shit. Nice.

The first paragraph after the intro was filled with great storytelling and no excess information filled with over-the-top details and descriptions of how the room looked like or how the atmosphere is, things like that can be nice as well but you chose to go for the straight forward approach which keeps the style you decided to go for and ends up being just as strong as pieces with amazing descriptions about things like this. You continue on that path as well and go straight to the point and talk about the problems between the people involved in your story and introduce us to two kids which makes the insanity part even more intense as kids are involved in the drama as well. Definately dope paragraph and shows great ability in terms of writing. You keep it consistent and extremely solid when it comes to ruling what is needed to be told and what doesn't. As someone who got a close friend that's a devout mormon from birth, and being well known with the community as a whole I found some striking similarities which gave strength to your story as well. Even though the internet part being the devil and several wives is mostly for the fanatic and more extreme branches of mormons which I'm not familiar with at all, it's definately there to some mormon communities (kinda boils down to christians and the old testament vs the new) and I feel everything you said about holy themes in regards of movies and entertainment. Well done.

The third paragraph is where things is getting more questionable for me. Where's the kids in all of this? Did they magically dissapear? Why is Rose's luggage packed? I mean, they must have expected him to come home at some point. They didn't seem to care that he was around so why would she just leave all of a sudden? On top of that they start having sex and all that shit as well? I thought she didn't like him? It seems to me like you just needed a reason for him to get pissed and kill Rose to fit a murder into your mormon erotic love story where the kids just floats around in existence with no real purpose to the text what-so-ever beside of telling the readers that the bitch has been pregnant and given birth twice. It was a highly dissapointing third paragraph to me, especially after all that great things the intro and second paragraph was filled with. And why was he having a gun in the house? I thought he was a devout mormon?

All-in-all a decent verse with some funny situations that made me smile and lots of questionable shit towards the end. Enjoyed the flow and the read but the conclusion of your story made no sense to me.

Vulgar: In the first lines you present exactly what ZeeDee didn't have in his verse (but he didn't really need it either), which was more in-depth and almost over-the-top descriptions of different things that you present in your verse.

Example from your verse:
Kipling shoes, front-laced, kitchen brewed cunt cakes
How delicious the tongue tastes must’ve been a sensual upgrade

Vs. ZeeDees:
That's where Rose met Julie, exposed her to me and approached her smoothly
A lonely cutie we invited for supper and a holy movie

Personally I enjoy descriptions like Vulgars but it's refreshing to see some straight forwardness from time to time as well. Because when it all comes down to it ZeeDee actually says more in two lines in my opinion than what Vulgar does, but it's up for debate and basically boils down to personal tastes in terms of the art of writing. Either way, great showing as always thus far Vulgar.

Just like ZeeDee you also present some funny situations in the sex department.

This shit made me smile:
She passed the wine & dropped to knees, he got aggressive
A large erection lodged in empress, condom left in apartment seven
And this even though it's kinda morbid, hah;
Murder She Drudged, 1-800-PURCHASE-A-VIRGIN-TO-FUCK

Don't really got more to say about this piece. It was funny, had its moments, definately not among your best but still got great imagery and rhymeschyme. You presented a story with a rather vague but believable plot.

Final Vote: Vulgar. ZeeDee's strength in this battle is straight his forward storytelling and presenting the plot with clarification and easy to understand sentences. No need to read it several times to understand what the fuck he's saying or hiccups in regards of metaphores, definitions and similies. This makes the final sentences of his piece, overall plot and creativity in regards of the topic extremely important. Seeing how he lacked exactly that it boils down to the other things his verse could offer which Vulgar excelled at.

05-07-2013, 05:31 PM	#1
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	ZeeDee: The intro is cool and easilly lets me in on some of the ideas you got and what kind of approach you're taking. I like that. No need to keep me questioning and let's be straight forward and get it popping kinda shit. Nice. The first paragraph after the intro was filled with great storytelling and no excess information filled with over-the-top details and descriptions of how the room looked like or how the atmosphere is, things like that can be nice as well but you chose to go for the straight forward approach which keeps the style you decided to go for and ends up being just as strong as pieces with amazing descriptions about things like this. You continue on that path as well and go straight to the point and talk about the problems between the people involved in your story and introduce us to two kids which makes the insanity part even more intense as kids are involved in the drama as well. Definately dope paragraph and shows great ability in terms of writing. You keep it consistent and extremely solid when it comes to ruling what is needed to be told and what doesn't. As someone who got a close friend that's a devout mormon from birth, and being well known with the community as a whole I found some striking similarities which gave strength to your story as well. Even though the internet part being the devil and several wives is mostly for the fanatic and more extreme branches of mormons which I'm not familiar with at all, it's definately there to some mormon communities (kinda boils down to christians and the old testament vs the new) and I feel everything you said about holy themes in regards of movies and entertainment. Well done. The third paragraph is where things is getting more questionable for me. Where's the kids in all of this? Did they magically dissapear? Why is Rose's luggage packed? I mean, they must have expected him to come home at some point. They didn't seem to care that he was around so why would she just leave all of a sudden? On top of that they start having sex and all that shit as well? I thought she didn't like him? It seems to me like you just needed a reason for him to get pissed and kill Rose to fit a murder into your mormon erotic love story where the kids just floats around in existence with no real purpose to the text what-so-ever beside of telling the readers that the bitch has been pregnant and given birth twice. It was a highly dissapointing third paragraph to me, especially after all that great things the intro and second paragraph was filled with. And why was he having a gun in the house? I thought he was a devout mormon? All-in-all a decent verse with some funny situations that made me smile and lots of questionable shit towards the end. Enjoyed the flow and the read but the conclusion of your story made no sense to me. Vulgar: In the first lines you present exactly what ZeeDee didn't have in his verse (but he didn't really need it either), which was more in-depth and almost over-the-top descriptions of different things that you present in your verse. Example from your verse: Kipling shoes, front-laced, kitchen brewed cunt cakes How delicious the tongue tastes must’ve been a sensual upgrade Vs. ZeeDees: That's where Rose met Julie, exposed her to me and approached her smoothly A lonely cutie we invited for supper and a holy movie Personally I enjoy descriptions like Vulgars but it's refreshing to see some straight forwardness from time to time as well. Because when it all comes down to it ZeeDee actually says more in two lines in my opinion than what Vulgar does, but it's up for debate and basically boils down to personal tastes in terms of the art of writing. Either way, great showing as always thus far Vulgar. Just like ZeeDee you also present some funny situations in the sex department. This shit made me smile: She passed the wine & dropped to knees, he got aggressive A large erection lodged in empress, condom left in apartment seven And this even though it's kinda morbid, hah; Murder She Drudged, 1-800-PURCHASE-A-VIRGIN-TO-FUCK Don't really got more to say about this piece. It was funny, had its moments, definately not among your best but still got great imagery and rhymeschyme. You presented a story with a rather vague but believable plot. Final Vote: Vulgar. ZeeDee's strength in this battle is straight his forward storytelling and presenting the plot with clarification and easy to understand sentences. No need to read it several times to understand what the fuck he's saying or hiccups in regards of metaphores, definitions and similies. This makes the final sentences of his piece, overall plot and creativity in regards of the topic extremely important. Seeing how he lacked exactly that it boils down to the other things his verse could offer which Vulgar excelled at.