wk16: 5-1 MMLP vs. 5-2 Rakontur - RAK 5-0

asylum · 11-12-2015, 06:13 PM

MMLP - wot? lol. ok hold on let me reread this. "cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid" that needed rewording. I can relate to your angle on your topic. I can be a dickhead most of the time, but I definitely have a soft spot for dogs. treasured stuck out a little to me but that was the only hiccup in your scheme. so this guy loves dogs but is too much of a cheapskate to own one? it's almost like, "i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." but, with an actual bitch.. lol. when i put it that way it's kinda funny. but i'm not sure if that quote was what you had in mind. altogether the rhymes were simple but good, i enjoyed the piece enough to think about what you were going for. interesting read, indeed. favorite lines..

A grumpy person who’s set in his ways
and love's a burden, a threat to his reign,
affecting his wage and the life that he loves.
The pennies are made for pints at the pub

enjoyed your flow the most around this segment. also enjoyed the "every dog has his day" bit.

Rakontur - Ah! So you're a married dude that just spotted a hotty and went for it. I like your last line, great play on words. I liked the description of the "attention grabber," and especially enjoyed the opening lines. your version of "took my breath away" was clever! the "demeaning bust" bit popped out next to "skin shown not quite discreetly," but i think it helped the piece. lady in streets, freak in the sheets kinda vibe. i wonder if the dude left his wife for her? anyway, nice piece. favorite lines..
Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air
Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair
She's not perfect but smiles and often
With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom
i know what kind of woman you're describing here. you really made the character come to life with those lines.

/v rakontur took this pretty clearly, to me.. in every way. I might have missed what MMLP was going for, but I did give it a couple read throughs and stand by my decision.

timeless · 11-13-2015, 05:32 AM

Mmlp, seen a lot better from you when it comes to your concept selection. Your ending s are usually pretty decent but i feel u didn't capitalize on that this week. Your flow and multi usage keep getting better which is noteworthy. If there were a most improved award youd def get my vote. Overall not bad just wish you polished it up more.

Rak, don't recall reading a verse from you even tho i prolly did. I can see you're one of those vocab whores. Some people taking that as "ooooo shiny" instead of rust, however yours seemed just right, not overdone. Flow was off in more places than I'd like. Imagery was dope. My only qualm would have to be how boring it was tbh. Was waiting for something to happen aside from a slick ending but hey that's just my taste.

V. Rak

11-12-2015, 06:13 PM	#1
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 999 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214211	MMLP - wot? lol. ok hold on let me reread this. "cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid" that needed rewording. I can relate to your angle on your topic. I can be a dickhead most of the time, but I definitely have a soft spot for dogs. treasured stuck out a little to me but that was the only hiccup in your scheme. so this guy loves dogs but is too much of a cheapskate to own one? it's almost like, "i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." but, with an actual bitch.. lol. when i put it that way it's kinda funny. but i'm not sure if that quote was what you had in mind. altogether the rhymes were simple but good, i enjoyed the piece enough to think about what you were going for. interesting read, indeed. favorite lines.. A grumpy person who’s set in his ways and love's a burden, a threat to his reign, affecting his wage and the life that he loves. The pennies are made for pints at the pub enjoyed your flow the most around this segment. also enjoyed the "every dog has his day" bit. Rakontur - Ah! So you're a married dude that just spotted a hotty and went for it. I like your last line, great play on words. I liked the description of the "attention grabber," and especially enjoyed the opening lines. your version of "took my breath away" was clever! the "demeaning bust" bit popped out next to "skin shown not quite discreetly," but i think it helped the piece. lady in streets, freak in the sheets kinda vibe. i wonder if the dude left his wife for her? anyway, nice piece. favorite lines.. Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair She's not perfect but smiles and often With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom i know what kind of woman you're describing here. you really made the character come to life with those lines. /v rakontur took this pretty clearly, to me.. in every way. I might have missed what MMLP was going for, but I did give it a couple read throughs and stand by my decision.

11-13-2015, 05:32 AM	#2
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,623 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	Mmlp, seen a lot better from you when it comes to your concept selection. Your ending s are usually pretty decent but i feel u didn't capitalize on that this week. Your flow and multi usage keep getting better which is noteworthy. If there were a most improved award youd def get my vote. Overall not bad just wish you polished it up more. Rak, don't recall reading a verse from you even tho i prolly did. I can see you're one of those vocab whores. Some people taking that as "ooooo shiny" instead of rust, however yours seemed just right, not overdone. Flow was off in more places than I'd like. Imagery was dope. My only qualm would have to be how boring it was tbh. Was waiting for something to happen aside from a slick ending but hey that's just my taste. V. Rak