wk16: 5-1 MMLP vs. 5-2 Rakontur - RAK 5-0

Adonis · 11-07-2015, 10:19 AM

AOWL Season V, Week 16

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic: A Piece Of My Heart

G/Luck

MMLP · 11-07-2015, 05:10 PM

In

Woke · 11-08-2015, 10:34 AM

Bang bang

MMLP · 11-10-2015, 04:22 PM

A modern day scrooge seeing abandoned dogs
as the holidays loom, he can’t stand and watch.
When the adverts on, he tends to switch
cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid.
It gets him thinking, what could be worse,
but then he switches to adjust to work.
A grumpy person who’s set in his ways
and love's a burden, a threat to his reign,
affecting his wage and the life that he loves.
The pennies are made for pints at the pub
to liven him up then his hell’s concealed
but the sight of a pup just melts his steel.
It helps him feel, perhaps rethinking his ways.
Their heart-felt appeals put a wince on his face.
A grimace displayed which he cannot control
The wishes they make just adds to the woes.
But the cash that he owns makes his entire essence
and as it unfolds, pound signs are treasured.
His most prized possession by his own accord
he fights expressions but he cannot endure
the ghosts that haunt him for his lack of affection.
They’ll go on calling till he reacts to address them.
From the past to his present but whats hardest to take
is the damaging lesson that every dog has their day.
Just the ones that's afraid to even embark
without an owner to chase and sleep in the park,
leave him easily charmed and it tends to makes him worry
“But you know what,
you take a piece of my heart but you’ll never take my money”

Woke · 11-11-2015, 01:16 AM

A Piece Of My Heart

Attention grabber. Cerebral-cortex vortex
The slender gender. A gorgeous corset
A violent thief. With her enter,
she stole oxygen as a dish for dinner

Let's call her grace cause that's what she is

A demeaning bust nearly hiding completely
Artsy skin shown not quite discreetly
Holey lobes acting as pendulum swings
Hypnotizing. Exciting. Alive and so free
A certain air of power floating about
Her scent is devour, yet we have the gaping of mouth
Jaw floored. Eyes piercing her soul
She can sense our thoughts; 'undressing a whore'

We think in unison, imagination afoot,
However, she really doesn't mind it at all
The attention gives her a sense of joy bout her looks
A bit of pride in her life while unwinding a jaw

Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air
Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair
She's not perfect but smiles and often
With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom
Her every need is met, every desire granted
Hunger quenched sexually a la preying mantis
She sips the flow of life, draining its youth
A mature vixen angelically malicious; aloof
Closest to temptation as entering room
Devouring hearts with such aplomb
Emptying the platelet, draining of soul
This vivacious buxom consuming with ease
As man, I'm mortal and as immoral can be
She approaches slowly, as wind kisses her hair
Drawing near I slyly raise from my chair
Quickly removing metal from finger
Between Pinky and Middle is a white tan that will linger
I faintly smile as my nostrils both flair
I'm in love at first sight
Finally, my heart will play
But this game isn't affair

Exis · 11-12-2015, 02:54 AM

MMLP - I liked the simple yet effective imagery, content as a whole was cool to me....wasn't feelin' the repetitive rhyme scheme, no switch ups in it sorta bored me...da da da, da da da.This isn't as good as last weeks verse...tis aight tho.

Rak - Like your vocab, a lot more complex than MMLP's & surprisingly flow doesn't suffer like it should...tis smooth no doubt, your imagery is also more descriptive than your opponents...solid shit.

Vote - Rak...his verse was better.

2tripple0 · 11-12-2015, 02:13 PM

Aye I felt the same way as exis mmlp had a decent verse it just wasn't going anywhere whereas rakontor came with some dope imagery and a piece that read fluidly throughout his piece...there was a topic and he followed it but with more ease and clinical thoughts completed throughout his piece...good work

Vote: rakontor

Mr. J · 11-12-2015, 02:55 PM

MMLP, I enjoyed the way you flowed in this verse..everything blended together nicely
I felt like the beginning of the verse wasnt as smooth as the rest was but it picks up near the middle
I thought the transitioning in the first few lines just felt kind of odd, I felt if you stuck with your starting scheme and worked the transition in later it would have read a bit smoother to me but otherwise I like the rest of the piece
your plot started off nicely and the ending fitted with the idea from your topic
kind of a weird ending how it was worded but still a nice read,.

Rakontur,Your piece is more refined for the most part, I thought it was cool but that intro was too weird
your vocab came pretty strong though and I felt it made the piece a lot more smoother than MMLPs
I felt like the plot of your story went with the topic pretty well. there isnt too much to complain about here though
that intro though...

v/Rakontur...
in the end I felt he came with a stronger entry as apposed to MMLPs piece
it was pretty close had that minor slip up hadnt been at the start of the verse
otherwise I thought this was a cool battle, nice work fellas

asylum · 11-12-2015, 06:13 PM

MMLP - wot? lol. ok hold on let me reread this. "cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid" that needed rewording. I can relate to your angle on your topic. I can be a dickhead most of the time, but I definitely have a soft spot for dogs. treasured stuck out a little to me but that was the only hiccup in your scheme. so this guy loves dogs but is too much of a cheapskate to own one? it's almost like, "i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." but, with an actual bitch.. lol. when i put it that way it's kinda funny. but i'm not sure if that quote was what you had in mind. altogether the rhymes were simple but good, i enjoyed the piece enough to think about what you were going for. interesting read, indeed. favorite lines..

A grumpy person who’s set in his ways
and love's a burden, a threat to his reign,
affecting his wage and the life that he loves.
The pennies are made for pints at the pub

enjoyed your flow the most around this segment. also enjoyed the "every dog has his day" bit.

Rakontur - Ah! So you're a married dude that just spotted a hotty and went for it. I like your last line, great play on words. I liked the description of the "attention grabber," and especially enjoyed the opening lines. your version of "took my breath away" was clever! the "demeaning bust" bit popped out next to "skin shown not quite discreetly," but i think it helped the piece. lady in streets, freak in the sheets kinda vibe. i wonder if the dude left his wife for her? anyway, nice piece. favorite lines..
Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air
Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair
She's not perfect but smiles and often
With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom
i know what kind of woman you're describing here. you really made the character come to life with those lines.

/v rakontur took this pretty clearly, to me.. in every way. I might have missed what MMLP was going for, but I did give it a couple read throughs and stand by my decision.

timeless · 11-13-2015, 05:32 AM

Mmlp, seen a lot better from you when it comes to your concept selection. Your ending s are usually pretty decent but i feel u didn't capitalize on that this week. Your flow and multi usage keep getting better which is noteworthy. If there were a most improved award youd def get my vote. Overall not bad just wish you polished it up more.

Rak, don't recall reading a verse from you even tho i prolly did. I can see you're one of those vocab whores. Some people taking that as "ooooo shiny" instead of rust, however yours seemed just right, not overdone. Flow was off in more places than I'd like. Imagery was dope. My only qualm would have to be how boring it was tbh. Was waiting for something to happen aside from a slick ending but hey that's just my taste.

V. Rak

11-07-2015, 10:19 AM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	wk16: 5-1 MMLP vs. 5-2 Rakontur - RAK 5-0 AOWL Season V, Week 16 SUMMARY OF RULES: Verses are due WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. All competitors must vote on THREE battles Read the full rules here! Topic: A Piece Of My Heart G/Luck __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 11-13-2015 at 08:44 AM.

11-10-2015, 04:22 PM	#4
MMLP Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 614 Battle Record: 15-16 Champed - Write Week 9 Rep Power: 9768091	Dog eat dog world A modern day scrooge seeing abandoned dogs as the holidays loom, he can’t stand and watch. When the adverts on, he tends to switch cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid. It gets him thinking, what could be worse, but then he switches to adjust to work. A grumpy person who’s set in his ways and love's a burden, a threat to his reign, affecting his wage and the life that he loves. The pennies are made for pints at the pub to liven him up then his hell’s concealed but the sight of a pup just melts his steel. It helps him feel, perhaps rethinking his ways. Their heart-felt appeals put a wince on his face. A grimace displayed which he cannot control The wishes they make just adds to the woes. But the cash that he owns makes his entire essence and as it unfolds, pound signs are treasured. His most prized possession by his own accord he fights expressions but he cannot endure the ghosts that haunt him for his lack of affection. They’ll go on calling till he reacts to address them. From the past to his present but whats hardest to take is the damaging lesson that every dog has their day. Just the ones that's afraid to even embark without an owner to chase and sleep in the park, leave him easily charmed and it tends to makes him worry “But you know what, you take a piece of my heart but you’ll never take my money”

11-12-2015, 02:13 PM	#7
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	Aye I felt the same way as exis mmlp had a decent verse it just wasn't going anywhere whereas rakontor came with some dope imagery and a piece that read fluidly throughout his piece...there was a topic and he followed it but with more ease and clinical thoughts completed throughout his piece...good work Vote: rakontor __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

11-12-2015, 02:55 PM	#8
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	MMLP, I enjoyed the way you flowed in this verse..everything blended together nicely I felt like the beginning of the verse wasnt as smooth as the rest was but it picks up near the middle I thought the transitioning in the first few lines just felt kind of odd, I felt if you stuck with your starting scheme and worked the transition in later it would have read a bit smoother to me but otherwise I like the rest of the piece your plot started off nicely and the ending fitted with the idea from your topic kind of a weird ending how it was worded but still a nice read,. Rakontur,Your piece is more refined for the most part, I thought it was cool but that intro was too weird your vocab came pretty strong though and I felt it made the piece a lot more smoother than MMLPs I felt like the plot of your story went with the topic pretty well. there isnt too much to complain about here though that intro though... v/Rakontur... in the end I felt he came with a stronger entry as apposed to MMLPs piece it was pretty close had that minor slip up hadnt been at the start of the verse otherwise I thought this was a cool battle, nice work fellas __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-07-2015, 05:10 PM	#2
MMLP Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 614 Battle Record: 15-16 Champed - Write Week 9 Rep Power: 9768091	In

11-08-2015, 10:34 AM	#3
Woke Senior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 183 Battle Record: 6-4 Rep Power: 553418	Bang bang

11-11-2015, 01:16 AM	#5
Woke Senior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 183 Battle Record: 6-4 Rep Power: 553418	A Piece Of My Heart Attention grabber. Cerebral-cortex vortex The slender gender. A gorgeous corset A violent thief. With her enter, she stole oxygen as a dish for dinner Let's call her grace cause that's what she is A demeaning bust nearly hiding completely Artsy skin shown not quite discreetly Holey lobes acting as pendulum swings Hypnotizing. Exciting. Alive and so free A certain air of power floating about Her scent is devour, yet we have the gaping of mouth Jaw floored. Eyes piercing her soul She can sense our thoughts; 'undressing a whore' We think in unison, imagination afoot, However, she really doesn't mind it at all The attention gives her a sense of joy bout her looks A bit of pride in her life while unwinding a jaw Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair She's not perfect but smiles and often With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom Her every need is met, every desire granted Hunger quenched sexually a la preying mantis She sips the flow of life, draining its youth A mature vixen angelically malicious; aloof Closest to temptation as entering room Devouring hearts with such aplomb Emptying the platelet, draining of soul This vivacious buxom consuming with ease As man, I'm mortal and as immoral can be She approaches slowly, as wind kisses her hair Drawing near I slyly raise from my chair Quickly removing metal from finger Between Pinky and Middle is a white tan that will linger I faintly smile as my nostrils both flair I'm in love at first sight Finally, my heart will play But this game isn't affair

11-12-2015, 02:54 AM	#6
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	MMLP - I liked the simple yet effective imagery, content as a whole was cool to me....wasn't feelin' the repetitive rhyme scheme, no switch ups in it sorta bored me...da da da, da da da.This isn't as good as last weeks verse...tis aight tho. Rak - Like your vocab, a lot more complex than MMLP's & surprisingly flow doesn't suffer like it should...tis smooth no doubt, your imagery is also more descriptive than your opponents...solid shit. Vote - Rak...his verse was better.

11-12-2015, 06:13 PM	#9
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 999 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214211	MMLP - wot? lol. ok hold on let me reread this. "cuz they're ask upon us to lend to quid" that needed rewording. I can relate to your angle on your topic. I can be a dickhead most of the time, but I definitely have a soft spot for dogs. treasured stuck out a little to me but that was the only hiccup in your scheme. so this guy loves dogs but is too much of a cheapskate to own one? it's almost like, "i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." but, with an actual bitch.. lol. when i put it that way it's kinda funny. but i'm not sure if that quote was what you had in mind. altogether the rhymes were simple but good, i enjoyed the piece enough to think about what you were going for. interesting read, indeed. favorite lines.. A grumpy person who’s set in his ways and love's a burden, a threat to his reign, affecting his wage and the life that he loves. The pennies are made for pints at the pub enjoyed your flow the most around this segment. also enjoyed the "every dog has his day" bit. Rakontur - Ah! So you're a married dude that just spotted a hotty and went for it. I like your last line, great play on words. I liked the description of the "attention grabber," and especially enjoyed the opening lines. your version of "took my breath away" was clever! the "demeaning bust" bit popped out next to "skin shown not quite discreetly," but i think it helped the piece. lady in streets, freak in the sheets kinda vibe. i wonder if the dude left his wife for her? anyway, nice piece. favorite lines.. Her biter sweet nectar, sopping the air Locking in stares, captivating lids with her hair She's not perfect but smiles and often With two lips too ripe, just right to blossom i know what kind of woman you're describing here. you really made the character come to life with those lines. /v rakontur took this pretty clearly, to me.. in every way. I might have missed what MMLP was going for, but I did give it a couple read throughs and stand by my decision.

11-13-2015, 05:32 AM	#10
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,623 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	Mmlp, seen a lot better from you when it comes to your concept selection. Your ending s are usually pretty decent but i feel u didn't capitalize on that this week. Your flow and multi usage keep getting better which is noteworthy. If there were a most improved award youd def get my vote. Overall not bad just wish you polished it up more. Rak, don't recall reading a verse from you even tho i prolly did. I can see you're one of those vocab whores. Some people taking that as "ooooo shiny" instead of rust, however yours seemed just right, not overdone. Flow was off in more places than I'd like. Imagery was dope. My only qualm would have to be how boring it was tbh. Was waiting for something to happen aside from a slick ending but hey that's just my taste. V. Rak