Week 18: Vulgar vs. Ullr - (Ullr wins)

[Ullr]

The Noble Brodysseus stands with his girl, in her hands there is furled
a baby boy named Ted who only answers with gurgles.
Suddenly, the peace is broken - a ring on his cellie,
his homies have spoken; "Brah, let's go see what's open"
He tries to decline so gracious and true,
says "Nah, Brah, I'm with my girl, we're waiting for food."
The man on the line says "Yo Dyss, that's blatantly rude, how you gon' say no, plus we'll eat later my dude."
Brodysseus stands, his face contorted -
"Alright, Brah, but we'll be back by 10, right? I told my girl we'd watch a movie once the baby's snoring."
A simple reply "Fuck yeah brah! Let's gooooo!"
roughly translated 'Fuck that, Brah, we'll stay 'til morning'
reluctant Brodysseus swears not leave his babe an orphan
then laces his boots for a night out with Jack, Goose, and that Sailor, Morgan
The boys arrive at the curb with a truck, Jack steps out already slurried as fuck
they feed Brodysseus shots 'til he's certainly drunk, the pregame they say, drinking bourbon and junk.
They arrive at the club and the speakers are bumpin', his friends go after the asses with hopes to be in that trunk
most of whom fail, but one, by chance he succeeds, guess she was drunk enough for him and so they stand up and leave
Jack bids the fellas adue with his hands up her sleeve.
Sticks his tongue out and smiles, obviously feeling her tits
Morgan laughs "Props Brah, that cheek's really legit"
The night continues, he and his boys keep drinking
now only three, one with roid rage sinking
so when a man bumps his shoulder it's an obvious fight
they brawl by the bar 'neath the gaudiest light
until the cops arrive and shuttle them off to some box in the night.
The others still drinking and merriment making
decide to go out again unaware of inebriation
They stumble into a store whose sells all sorts of cheese
and grab up handfuls as they all snort and wheeze
but then the owner returns and boy is he pissed!
He starts punching his friends like toys with his fists
Crack! One falls to the floor,
they realize "Oh shit, he's barring the door!"
Brodysseus acts quick and hits him with plates
blinding the man in the midst of his place
they crash through the door sending glass a'shatter
scattering leaves and some plastic matter
they run out onto the street in a blast of laughter
"Broooo, yo Morgan got straight FUCKED"
Now only two, such soldiers a's'sailing
they find their way down the road but Goose is looking colder and paling
swigging from the bottle that they both had been sharing
One shot turns to two and ten turns to twenty -
but bedlum ensues when they'd spent all their money
Drunk as fuck on the streets of the city
wandering an alley didn't seem to them shitty
but when a mugger came out and asked for their change
Goose chose to fight and the mugger blasted his brains
Brodysseus ran about as fast as he could
out of the alley in the back of the hood
The street lights aflicker but he grabbed what he could
and stole the bottle from his friend before he collapsed where he stood
"Shit, bro! Fuuuuuuuuuck!" He screamed in terror
stumbling, absolutely smashed but never dreamed of peril
he wandered 'til calm as the sun started rising
and met a lovely lass with makeup caked on and eyes green
She knew his state and that he couldn't resist
called him "Come hither" with her slithering lips
she wriggled his dick as he licked at her tits
but by the time it came morning he found she'd stripped all his bits
stolen his clothes and locked in a basement
he screamed out, a grunt with all his frustration
She'd stolen his phone, stuck here all for temptation -
Time ceased to move as he sat at walls staring
wondering why he couldn't have gotten trashed and gone sailing
at least there he'd be free, out on the open ocean
instead he can't breathe in a room with moldy clothing
a psycho bitch, she found him and trapped him
like a spider with poison but she didn't bite til it happened
he gave her the D, she took his rights as a captain
There he stayed, who knows how long he sat
when by some heavenly grace he was released from her flat
he wandered out still stripped but at least he was back
He grabbed up a towel and with it he walked
still tipsy somehow despite all the ticks on the clock
He finally returned home to his girl his weed and his child
and found her in bed with like, three hundred guys
"What the fuck is this shit?" he reeled while in stride
"You were gone for THREE WEEKS, what the fuck, I thought you really had died"
Brodysseus said fuck it and he lit up a blunt
sat down on the couch with some chips and some lunch
mumbled "that bitch is a cunt.."
while watching SportsCenter while taking hits with a grunt.
Thus ends the tale of brave Brodysseus.