Exis vs CopyPat - COPYPAT 4-0

e11even · 10-30-2015, 03:32 AM

exis- I liked the potential in the language here. You had a good set up with the minimalistic approach. This was stripped down so much that rhyming should have been effortless. You focused on the key detail of cold darkness, but couldn't really reel it in in a well-rhymed fashion. I think that was the only think I really had a gripe about. This:

"seven hundred and twenty hours to breeze thru
in what's an otherwise dull life
I'm Marlow leadin' my creatures to where overpowerin' meets you
communications are down for the moment
so keep mouthin' amongst yourselves to a minimum
and continue cowerin' weaklings"

was not quite where I believe you should have gone with this. However, good piece and a lot of potential. You set the scene well, now to bring it together.

copypat- this was very much on the down-to-earth practical side of things. I loved the easy to follow plot and buttery rhyming detailing that the protagonist kinda grew outta Halloween. I have to respect this from a realist approach even though the dreamer inside wanted more from a Halloween piece, but this was very good in especially the execution. Good job.

I liked both these verses, but one stood out in overall impact to me and MVGT CopyPat. Thanks for showing guys.

10-30-2015, 03:32 AM	#7
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	exis- I liked the potential in the language here. You had a good set up with the minimalistic approach. This was stripped down so much that rhyming should have been effortless. You focused on the key detail of cold darkness, but couldn't really reel it in in a well-rhymed fashion. I think that was the only think I really had a gripe about. This: "seven hundred and twenty hours to breeze thru in what's an otherwise dull life I'm Marlow leadin' my creatures to where overpowerin' meets you communications are down for the moment so keep mouthin' amongst yourselves to a minimum and continue cowerin' weaklings" was not quite where I believe you should have gone with this. However, good piece and a lot of potential. You set the scene well, now to bring it together. copypat- this was very much on the down-to-earth practical side of things. I loved the easy to follow plot and buttery rhyming detailing that the protagonist kinda grew outta Halloween. I have to respect this from a realist approach even though the dreamer inside wanted more from a Halloween piece, but this was very good in especially the execution. Good job. I liked both these verses, but one stood out in overall impact to me and MVGT CopyPat. Thanks for showing guys. __________________ Ahem.