Week 13 Contenders: 3-0 MMLP vs. 2-0 Vividlyvague - 7-0 MMLP

Frank · 10-23-2015, 12:38 AM

MMLP

Good work. I notice Copy Pat perceived this as you being a dog, because he read the word "vet". Pretty sure that is the wrong interpretation? I could be wrong. I thought this piece was simply about Birth and the tunnel being the Canal of a Woman's vagina... though, not quite to that descriptive extent. I think it's safe to say this was your most complete story thus far this season, IMO. You gotta real knack for transitioning from one line to the next... Almost like A Book - Flipping page, by page. Though your timing isn't always stellar: when it is, it's superb. One word that jumped out at me as being Ehh was ''static'' - just another word would've been better. Honestly, after I re-read it I can see how somebody would think it's about a dog. Though in order to make that connection truly stand out: you were in need of the subtle detail, word like Wag, Drool. Couple words to make it official. Go all the way in. I mean If you were really writing about a Dog, it could've had a flea somewhere. Pepper it with hints. Know what I mean? Writing is a stretch of your imagination. On the contrary, you ended the piece masterfully with this profound moment that made me pause, and ponder. Good read. Perhaps a little more bark for this piece to really bite though.

VividlyVague

This piece was a hot mess. You have the ability to tell some, of the more outrageous stories I've read in the AOWL. Unlike last week though, this week your rhyming was horrendous. Your enthusiasm as always is always spot on. Probably your greatest attribute is your Zest for this shit. You have a wild imagination. Technically - you have to refine more: strain your idea more through the cloth on the bucket. I feel there is always a Diamond in that rough, muddled execution, of yours. And it do get super frustrating trying to keep up with your array of characters. Shits silly. Take the lines, to, invent your characters wholeheartedly, before you have them - interacting sporadically and superficially. You got the ideas, you just don't always articulate them how you picture them in your head. Or perhaps you do, and it just doesn't always translate how it potentially could.

Nevertheless, I got MMLP as well. Great battle. Actually think this would make an intriguing rematch in a round 1 setting.

10-23-2015, 12:38 AM	#1
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	MMLP Good work. I notice Copy Pat perceived this as you being a dog, because he read the word "vet". Pretty sure that is the wrong interpretation? I could be wrong. I thought this piece was simply about Birth and the tunnel being the Canal of a Woman's vagina... though, not quite to that descriptive extent. I think it's safe to say this was your most complete story thus far this season, IMO. You gotta real knack for transitioning from one line to the next... Almost like A Book - Flipping page, by page. Though your timing isn't always stellar: when it is, it's superb. One word that jumped out at me as being Ehh was ''static'' - just another word would've been better. Honestly, after I re-read it I can see how somebody would think it's about a dog. Though in order to make that connection truly stand out: you were in need of the subtle detail, word like Wag, Drool. Couple words to make it official. Go all the way in. I mean If you were really writing about a Dog, it could've had a flea somewhere. Pepper it with hints. Know what I mean? Writing is a stretch of your imagination. On the contrary, you ended the piece masterfully with this profound moment that made me pause, and ponder. Good read. Perhaps a little more bark for this piece to really bite though. VividlyVague This piece was a hot mess. You have the ability to tell some, of the more outrageous stories I've read in the AOWL. Unlike last week though, this week your rhyming was horrendous. Your enthusiasm as always is always spot on. Probably your greatest attribute is your Zest for this shit. You have a wild imagination. Technically - you have to refine more: strain your idea more through the cloth on the bucket. I feel there is always a Diamond in that rough, muddled execution, of yours. And it do get super frustrating trying to keep up with your array of characters. Shits silly. Take the lines, to, invent your characters wholeheartedly, before you have them - interacting sporadically and superficially. You got the ideas, you just don't always articulate them how you picture them in your head. Or perhaps you do, and it just doesn't always translate how it potentially could. Nevertheless, I got MMLP as well. Great battle. Actually think this would make an intriguing rematch in a round 1 setting. __________________ *VETWORK*