Week 13 Contenders: 3-0 MMLP vs. 2-0 Vividlyvague - 7-0 MMLP

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 13


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic:



G/Luck
@MMLP
@Vividlyvague

[MMLP]

Petr cech

[MMLP]

Lacking self-assurance and a way with the words
Nurse held me forward, I was shaken at first
Separated at birth from my mother who glared
She'd taken a turn, i was flustered and scared

Just Hung in the air being carried by hand
To be put into care with the masses and crammed
i napped in a mattress from the emergency room
Wrapped in a blanket as the my journey ensued

months later the curtains had drew and a couples teeth had sparked
a purchase approved and through a tunnel we embarked
it puzzled me to start but as the scene would unfold
i was suddenly in arms when first seeing my home

a smile beaming with hope as we'd ring from the porch
then greeted by loads of kids at the door
my biggest reward seeing them more happy than me
as i sit on the floor without having to speak

we danced in the street with games of tig-tag
i out ran them in weeks or least they made me think that
full of playful mishaps leaving the crib in a mess
I raced on command with a spring in my step

I’d sprint from the rest but as the years drifted
the twinge in my legs had seemed persistent
no longer beat my distance of strolls in the park
my knees had withered, no longer holding my guard

id fold in the hearts of the ones that i loved
controlling my arms and then opening up
they'd never broken the trust of my loyal making
my emotion had come, i was voiceless, shaking

the boys were playing so i struggled past it
joints were aching and I had trouble standing
ending up slumped and static, i'd look to the side
they all were gasping and looking resigned

taken up for a ride amidst hugging and wishes
i'd clung with my eyes to my brothers and sisters
Smothered with kisses as im laying in, wedged!
thinking something is different, hearing "make him a bed"

"were on our way to the vets" "Honey, ride with us!"
along it came to my head seeing this light in front
I recognised this tunnel' but feeling hot and distressed
i slightly muffled wondering what to expect...

[e11even]

BLUE.
"Look alive ladies. You bested the academy to do this! "
Chief Decker howls to his men holding a megaphone and a boomstick.
M4's, flaks and testosterone held the parkway at noon.
The scorch of the sun would grace these vultures, the criminal corpses a boon.
The barricade was set, spike strips laid, and execution was smooth.
The SWAT ambush sat guardian angel atop the tunnel's arching groove.
Venus Fly Trap was in full swing. The bat of justice was due to be too.
The chief was growing impatient. Legendary accolades await the walls of his room.
Retirement teases his gray stubble as long fishing days loom.
This was all he needed, wanted. The last decade consumed him.
These fuckers would go down and he would be immortal... or he assumed.
"Roughly two more minutes and they'll be rolling out! No one moves!"
And just then, they saw it... the first munition let out a TOOM...
RED.
"This is something we were'nt destined to lose..." Blake said.
They were the best of the worst. Ex-athletics turned accomplished dregs.
Two of them brothers, four of them fathers. None were to beg.
They scratched and clawed for theirs. As kids, had cloth pallets for beds.
"How can you be so sure, Mate?" Willy mouthed. He challenged the head.
They all illustrated obstinance, the very bond their relationships lent.
"Let's just say I have an inside hunch, bruv..." and onward they went.
The waves of light passed through the windows, illuminating metal.
Black leather and cloth garments hid as if timid and gentle.
But this band was anything but. Hans was heavyset.
Carried drills to jobs with little effort. Punched walls with the very best.
Gus was Gus. All knives and hacks... Grav Maga student, IT tech.
Blake was ever vigilant and level. He quickly earned the crew's respect.
Will watches the tunnel's edge, ready to shoot or rob for his check.



"Here we go boys... last test..." Blake mutters as the van crests.
The sunlight just breaks across the grill, the glint blinding...
GREEN.
"Set!" Screams Decker as hellfire rips through the twelve seats.
"Fire! Fire! Fire!" The blood-thirst on his lips accompanies each crease.
The van rolls to a smoking stop, the cloud withering in the breeze.
Decker motions SWAT to inspect. The negative report cripples his ease.
"Fuck!" he eyes the tunnel for his informant's team.
"Comb that stretch and bring me bodies! No one breathes!"
Blake takes a deep inhale and smiles, "...and what did he see?"
"Blood bags and cleaned weapons..." Will bussed at the seams.
They finally cashed in on the final job and laid low in the Keyes.
Five jobs in three years all possible because the snitch was a tease.
"Blake, how did you decieve him?" Gus blurted in a stupor, esteemed.
"Easy. I told him everything!" the squad froze, Gus's glass broke with a squeeze.
"Wow, mates. You wankers believe anything!" They all erupt in laughter...
~Good job, Agent. One more month and you can take them down clean...~
BLACK.

[e11even]

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121480
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121474
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121477

[CopyPat]

mmlp's read like it was simple but he actually had a lot of scheming and multis going on so it was more technical than it looked. he just made it look easy, which is good. it was really smooth and again very easy to read which i always think makes imagining and picturing the story the writer is trying to paint much much easier, u can get into the story more. i have to admit i didn't know u were talking about being the dog till u mentioned vet at the end and then it alll made sense. once i re-read knowing you were the dog i appreciated the verse even more and liked it that much better. real solid topical

V.V. i liked ur verse aswell but it felt a little jumbled. also ive never been a fan of introducing SO many characters and their names in such a short verse. idunno i get the idea of its a whole swat team and everyone plays their role etc but i still think it was just too much going on in the amount of writing u had(and i'm NOT complaining about the length of the verse by ANY means. the shorter the better in these leagues as far as i'm concerned, haha). also i thought ur flow was quite weak compared to mmlp, just too long of lines with minimal rhyming and really really basic/boring scheming. so yeah right away just reading this verse from a technical standpoint it didn't even come close to mmlp. Also ur story was cool, and ur ending was good with the main dude being undercover agent but the connection to the actual pic was just a literal tunnel in the middle of the story. i dunno just fell really flat in my book. especially after what mmlp just did with it right above you.

sorry V no hate but MMLP took this in a Landslide... writing was better, rhyming was better and his approach to the topic was Waaaay more inspired, interesting, and original. vote bigtime for mmlp

[Frank]

MMLP

Good work. I notice Copy Pat perceived this as you being a dog, because he read the word "vet". Pretty sure that is the wrong interpretation? I could be wrong. I thought this piece was simply about Birth and the tunnel being the Canal of a Woman's vagina... though, not quite to that descriptive extent. I think it's safe to say this was your most complete story thus far this season, IMO. You gotta real knack for transitioning from one line to the next... Almost like A Book - Flipping page, by page. Though your timing isn't always stellar: when it is, it's superb. One word that jumped out at me as being Ehh was ''static'' - just another word would've been better. Honestly, after I re-read it I can see how somebody would think it's about a dog. Though in order to make that connection truly stand out: you were in need of the subtle detail, word like Wag, Drool. Couple words to make it official. Go all the way in. I mean If you were really writing about a Dog, it could've had a flea somewhere. Pepper it with hints. Know what I mean? Writing is a stretch of your imagination. On the contrary, you ended the piece masterfully with this profound moment that made me pause, and ponder. Good read. Perhaps a little more bark for this piece to really bite though.

VividlyVague

This piece was a hot mess. You have the ability to tell some, of the more outrageous stories I've read in the AOWL. Unlike last week though, this week your rhyming was horrendous. Your enthusiasm as always is always spot on. Probably your greatest attribute is your Zest for this shit. You have a wild imagination. Technically - you have to refine more: strain your idea more through the cloth on the bucket. I feel there is always a Diamond in that rough, muddled execution, of yours. And it do get super frustrating trying to keep up with your array of characters. Shits silly. Take the lines, to, invent your characters wholeheartedly, before you have them - interacting sporadically and superficially. You got the ideas, you just don't always articulate them how you picture them in your head. Or perhaps you do, and it just doesn't always translate how it potentially could.

Nevertheless, I got MMLP as well. Great battle. Actually think this would make an intriguing rematch in a round 1 setting.

[asylum]

MMLP – hey man this verse was really sick. At first I thought it was an actual baby, but right about “strolls in the park” I started to get the hint a twist was incoming. Although your content here is extremely good, I think the best part of this piece is it’s flow. I truly enjoyed the way you wove the story together and seamlessly told your tale. Really good shit, excellent writing. Great piece. Some of my favorite parts, were your 7th and 8th stanzas in their entirety as well as this bar..
we danced in the street with games of tig-tag
i out ran them in weeks or least they made me think that
Extremely familiar story told in a heartbreaking, true to life way. Powerful stuff bro.

VV- wow bro! this verse is pretty fucking cool. It’s REALLY packed with content. In the end, your characters were shady cops trying to steal the thiefs pull after a bank job or something? That’s what I got from this. You’re pretty much living true to your namesake, as usual.. but IMHO I don’t think the character development had the desired impact on the outcome of the verse. It was getting pretty into it when you threw blood bags out, I’m just like why the fuck do they have bags of blood? Idk. Pm me, please. Lol.

The waves of light passed through the windows, illuminating metal.
Black leather and cloth garments hid as if timid and gentle.
But this band was anything but. Hans was heavyset.
Carried drills to jobs with little effort. Punched walls with the very best.
Gus was Gus. All knives and hacks... Grav Maga student, IT tech.
Blake was ever vigilant and level. He quickly earned the crew's respect.

That first bar started out with some excellent imagery. Assonance was good too. had a really comforting feeling, to me, for some reason. I enjoyed Gus’s description, but blake’s was kinda meh for me. No offense just.. didn’t really feel all of the character development. Your setting was really good, a bit all over the place but still good. I needed a little bit more action. The beginning of your verse really set me up for some fucked up violence and man, I don’t think I got enough of it. If I didn’t go into the verse prepped for a lot of it, I think I may have been able to enjoy the story a bit more. Mechanic wise, I think some more inners would have been of considerable benefit. Also, your assonance was a little off. Gotta polish those sets of similar sounds up a bit for them to have the desired effect.

/mvgt – MMLP took this by incorporating his twist into a seriously heartbreaking scenario. I didn’t see it coming, and it was a swift kick me right in the feels. I feel if VV had thrown in some inners and carried his rhymes a bit, this would have been a much harder decision. Nice battle guys, thanks for the effort! Enjoyed both reads.

[Mr. J]

v/vividly...peep mag for review....

[The Law]

MMLP - Flow and the readability of this verse was great. Had a nice rhythm to it. This was a real solid verse. I loved the approach you took, original, unique, and one that anybody probably would not have taken. You did a great job concealing who/what your character was while subtly throwing in little hints throughout your lines, which gradually got better and better. Ex, from the separated at birth and put in with the masses, to the purchase and walking through the tunnel.. etc all the way to the more obvious race on command and the seeing the vet at the end. Honestly it was very well done. Maybe some polish and rewording of the lines could have perfected. But it's a very hard verse to beat when the readers start to really understand what's going on and how well you hid it.

VV - I felt this started off real slow and you spent too much time telling us the background of everything. The best part of the verse was the end when it started to pick up a bit. Rhyming wise was a bit simple, and because the lines were lengthy and without internals it hindered the flow and the smooth read of it. However, I thought throughout the wordy bars you did have some nice imagery laid out. ex. "Black leather and cloth garments hid as if timid and gentle." overall decent verse, this one just didn't have a good progression to the story/approach you took and some rewording to fix the flow could've been used.

MVGT: MMLP - just an outstanding verse in my eyes. It wasn't the most awe dropping in the technical aspect of schemes, imagery, but the way it was done was nice. The progression and the way he wrote in the eyes of his character with the ability to conceal from us until we realized it and went back and was able to understand each of the lines was done very well. Would have been a hard verse to beat for anything imo. Great job.

[UnbornBuddha]

Quick vote:

MMLP at first glance his verse seems very simplistic, yes it has multi's and flow but that itself does not negate the simplistic facets found in it. I myself like complex things, decoding them, but nonetheless his simplicity here worked. A no bells and whistles kind of verse, if I'm using that axiom correctly.

Vividly: The structuring itself needs work this time around, it just read overdrawn. You had good imagery and you have a tendency toward storytelling and depicting and rendering visual details down to the bone, however, this verse read too scattered in my opinion. Perhaps, not so much in plot, but more so in the delivery of the product. It almost seems you were trying something new out, which I encourage experimentation, but perhaps not in the contender match.

Vote: MMLP

[EtH]

MMLP, since it looks like it's going to be you next week based on the votes above, our check-in game is going to be tested to the limit. First, fuuuuuuuck that topic sucks. It's a tunnel. Cool. Haven't heard a tunnel related metaphor before....Anyways, why the fuck didn't you kill off the dog? That's my only complaint. Marley and Me sucks without the dog dying at the end. Loved this verse though. Pretty much my favourite twist of all time was a dog protagonist, so much so that even I tried to do it not to long ago and pretty much failed badly. Loved the tunnel being brought back and you delivered it fairly well. I didn't get the reveal what so ever up until the last stanza which is basically perfection in terms of reveals. I just wish the dog didn't make it at the end to give us that emotional punch in the balls you slightly lacked. Great verse though, cracking rhyming throughout, and bonus points for using tig tag.

VV, your style doesn't accomodate one syllable rhyming. Some people are able to bring the poetic techniques so strong that it covers up the lack of lyricism, but really the entire way through your verse I felt that it'd have been extremely easy for you to have been doing multiple syllables. Look at MMLP's for example. He has shorter lines and some of them even have an AB - AB scheme in them. Some B - BB or whatever, so there's not really an excuse for that not being in there. I don't really get the story. I don't get the snitch job too much, I don't get the reference to the colours, I barely get the reference to the tunnel. Whenever I critique shit these days, I feel like it's Masterchef. You basically just made a chicken breast with some salad. You kept it simple. Unfortunately, the chicken breast wasn't seasoned enough and was slightly overcooked as well, so you kept it simple and it still didn't deliver the way you wanted it to you know? If you're going to keep it basic, drive that shit home 100%.

Overall, one just had all the elements wrapped up a little bit better. When you add the superior topic and emotion on top of that, there's a fairly clear winner. Can't wait to see J's opinion in the magazine now.

MVGT - MMLP

[Witty]

MMLP - I originally thought this verse was about an orphan being sent to an orphanage, until I got to the end and realised it was a dog, went back and read it again and all the little clues and hints toward the ending really stood out the second time, that is very artful writing, very nuanced and subtle. Everything worked together to build up for the twist at the end, nothing was filler, every line was needed and served a purpose. Your rhyming was fantastic as always, some of the word choices were a little simple/cliche but it's hard to rhyme like that and make everything completely original, so it's not that big of a deal. The most important thing is that your story was very good, your concept was impressive and surprising, and your writing was top notch. Great job, enjoyed the read.

VV - I liked this as far as the story goes, I think you told it well and it was impressively complete in such a relatively small verse, it's hard to tell a full story with no gaps, while incorporating so many characters and ideas, in such a short space, but you pulled it off quite well. Some of your lines were quite stretched which did knock the flow off at times, and I would have liked to see more complex rhyme schemes going on as one syllable at the end of each line (or even two) can get a bit stagnant, and I feel like that did happen in this verse, some internals and more complexity in your rhymes really would have kept it feeling fresh throughout. I liked this though, good interpretation of the topic and a nice story. Good job.

Going with MMLP for the more complete and polished verse. Thanks for the read guys.