MMLP 1-0 vs Bobby Bigelow 1-0 - MMLP 4-0

UnbornBuddha · 10-07-2015, 10:14 PM

Lol, at the picture.

Marshall: I thought this read very nicely, there were no gimmicks, but it did leave me wondering if was a metaphor for something more profound than the somatic gains attained through musculoskeletal manipulation. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this, while it wasn't anything epic it was an enjoyable flow with a sincere pace. Some of the lines were inconsequential without much amplitude, lines such as "after I went for a run". I think there are much better ways to emphasize physical activity and still implement more tools, such as imagery and whatnot. Cool take, I found it entertaining.

Bobby: The writing itself was more poignant, but I felt you never took us anywhere, it started in the same place as it ended, with perhaps the focus shifted onto the horizon, but still from the same axis. Which can be a powerful approach I suppose, but here the progression felt stilted. The substance addiction angle to me is very dry, and while you added some momentum by implementing the emotional context, there was still not much to be gained. I think with takes like these, one has to add something to the mix, so as to not cause stagnation in one's writing, otherwise constraint happens and instead of profundity one ends up with something bland and not as emotionally invigorating as one would have hoped.

Vote: MMLP

10-07-2015, 10:14 PM	#6
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Lol, at the picture. Marshall: I thought this read very nicely, there were no gimmicks, but it did leave me wondering if was a metaphor for something more profound than the somatic gains attained through musculoskeletal manipulation. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this, while it wasn't anything epic it was an enjoyable flow with a sincere pace. Some of the lines were inconsequential without much amplitude, lines such as "after I went for a run". I think there are much better ways to emphasize physical activity and still implement more tools, such as imagery and whatnot. Cool take, I found it entertaining. Bobby: The writing itself was more poignant, but I felt you never took us anywhere, it started in the same place as it ended, with perhaps the focus shifted onto the horizon, but still from the same axis. Which can be a powerful approach I suppose, but here the progression felt stilted. The substance addiction angle to me is very dry, and while you added some momentum by implementing the emotional context, there was still not much to be gained. I think with takes like these, one has to add something to the mix, so as to not cause stagnation in one's writing, otherwise constraint happens and instead of profundity one ends up with something bland and not as emotionally invigorating as one would have hoped. Vote: MMLP