Vividlyvague 0-0 vs Sovereign 0-0 - VIVID 5-2

zygote · 10-06-2015, 03:14 AM

I kind of disliked the submission by Sovereign. The main character was not interesting, which would have been OK if the message of the story had been interesting instead. But the message was also not interesting - basically just a spin on the 'life is hard' thing with no different insight, comment or anything else to make it fun to read for me. It had good rhyming but it was all very bland - the character was just a strawman and his mental health issues were left unexplored. Basically, I couldn't become involved in either the character or the message - it likely needed to have one or both to work better - because they were not that interesting. I appreciate the effort and skill it must have took to write, but I didn't enjoy reading your submission that much.

Good story and message from Vivdlyvague - the idea behind your writing only became apparent at the very end but that was good. The character development at the start was good and helped for the emotional pay off at the end. I also enjoyed the moralising with the words "Don't let your boy grow up a fatherless man" - it wasn't too over the top. You paced your story very well here - the last parts were excellent - and the absentee father's little thoughts/unspoken promises (the things in italics throughout) were an excellent device to break up the story. You didn't rhyme as well as your competitor but I think you easily captured my attention and imagination better. Your actual message wasn't very novel but you had good substance to your writing. Voting for Vivdlyvague.

10-06-2015, 03:14 AM	#7
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	I kind of disliked the submission by Sovereign. The main character was not interesting, which would have been OK if the message of the story had been interesting instead. But the message was also not interesting - basically just a spin on the 'life is hard' thing with no different insight, comment or anything else to make it fun to read for me. It had good rhyming but it was all very bland - the character was just a strawman and his mental health issues were left unexplored. Basically, I couldn't become involved in either the character or the message - it likely needed to have one or both to work better - because they were not that interesting. I appreciate the effort and skill it must have took to write, but I didn't enjoy reading your submission that much. Good story and message from Vivdlyvague - the idea behind your writing only became apparent at the very end but that was good. The character development at the start was good and helped for the emotional pay off at the end. I also enjoyed the moralising with the words "Don't let your boy grow up a fatherless man" - it wasn't too over the top. You paced your story very well here - the last parts were excellent - and the absentee father's little thoughts/unspoken promises (the things in italics throughout) were an excellent device to break up the story. You didn't rhyme as well as your competitor but I think you easily captured my attention and imagination better. Your actual message wasn't very novel but you had good substance to your writing. Voting for Vivdlyvague.