Week 10 Contenders: sraL vs. Destroyer- OPEN FOR VOTES

[Sn00p]

As dollar signs cross their eyes as they rob you blind.
^"as ... as" threw me off. 1st one shoulda been "and" or smth
False flags at full mast.
^woooo. dope
Columbine homicides on the rise
^nice
served up with a wanton side of McDonalds fries.
^good follow up
A city that never sleeps, by nature, doesn't tend to dream.
^this is too literal imo. u spell it out so hard. try to allude instead of blatantly spelling out imo
while their own Weapons of Mass Consumption sat getting too fat to function.
^mass destruction wp is rlly played out imo
This Obama nation's an abomination lacking substance
^kanye did it, and i think a txtcee did before him too
falling for anything as they stand for nothing.
^cool
I'm passed discussion with those delinquents with Homer Simpson modes of thinking
^*past. cool otherwise

rhyme scheme was dope. but u were too literal at times here. imho, poetic writing is most effective when vague or cryptic. when u have to think about it to get it. when sometimes, u don't even get it, becuz there's nothing to get in the 1st place, just a potential for meaning. idk if this makes sense. but yea. this was cool; i enjoyed it. but it could've been better. more poetic. false flags was dooope tho. that was a perfect example of a good allusion w/o spelling it out too.



god save the queen
as if god would care
for those among us who gleam
with powder in their hair
^feels kinda longwinded. could've said the same in two lines i think
who always take the tea
and head to drink upstairs
who try not to eat meat
when sitting on leather chairs
^if u're talking about hypocrisy w/ the no meat, but leather, that kinda works. the taking the tea part kinda works too, cuz it paints the image of very reserved ppl, but again, this doesn't feel laden w/ meaning. good poems can compress a lot of meaning into very few words. these words feel kinda meaningless.
staying rich and calloused
while laying in a palace
and speaking high and mighty
when they'd be German without US
^lol okay
god save the queen
and forgive us all her sins
and never ever mention
Neville Chamberlain
^okay
cause appeasement and what peace meant
^cool
never made sense
at least not to him
^the 2nd line feels tacked on. this could be more concise and would be more powerful then. it kinda feels like u kept adding things a u kept going. which makes it more rambling than poetic
and when the bombs start falling,
we hear the moms start calling
^lazy rhyme
for the children to come in.
^again, these 3 could've been 2 lines easy
but it's not our fault, so just sing

god save the queen...
^good ending

simpler piece w/ regards to rhyme. "never ever mention neville" was niiice assonance tho. liked that. my biggest concern w/ this was that it always felt like u wrote a line in a vacuum, then added the next, and so on and so on. it's always "this happens / and then this happens / and this happens too". and that doesn't rlly feel cohesive or concise. still, u had some nice parts, but this could rly profit from u tryna be more concise and try to say more w/ less words.

i think i liked lars's more. he had the better standout lines and the better rhymes. both had nice parts parts. so props yall. but also, both could'a done more imo. cf above

v/sral