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09-02-2015, 03:23 PM
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#9 |
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The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682   |
Nigma, I was enjoying your piece from the start of it all...
but then I reached the lower section in this quote & was thrown off I really enjoy the tension you build up to from the start.. but the ride became a tad bumpy towards that little section... They trained us to complete our work with basic brains and brandished teeth We laid down our beliefs to further our careers, it's tragedy Could plant my feet in dirt but move the second that my Chief says words He speaks in verbs, secreting fervor. Each are heard, some scenes disturb me ^^^ that last part though...if you kept playing off of tragedy it would have been a great transition I thought you were able to pick it up nicely shortly after that mishap though.. which I thought would have been great had that little misstep been taken out didn't really enjoy the ghastly deeds twist, but I figured it was cool to work in To shelf my blackened past I've spawned this addict stance, and cracks my fiend I'm hammering more keys than locksmiths trapped inside a factory But actually.... I breathe it, so it seems it might be trapped in me Piano seeps melodic actions, band the contra, masterpiece. ^^^ I thought that was pretty dope, towards the end you cap it off nicely this whole verse was sweet & the opening was very nice.. dope work Nigma Rak, I enjoyed your piece because it was like a stream of thought that opener could have used a little reworking, but I enjoyed this piece the string of lines that come at you are nicely worded & easy on the eyes and spiraling through lost control Blaring keys that strike a cord Rifts that rip each primal bone Breathing life into a poem Yet leaving death to freely roam ^^^ That felt weird, from their it read to me as a child's book don't take that in a bad manner, but you stutter from the jump & continue to stumble but later on you gain your footing back I enjoy your use of vocab as well it adds to the presentation The gauge is high The range, afar, Yet can pierce, with a czars, repertoire It's instrumental to the scene Shrubs and holes through evergreen Woodwinds pedaling Brass pipes plot a chart and... Leveling Wilderness of pestilence Violins of Violence Lifelessness. ^^^^^ I didn't really like the choice of Lifelessness to end this... but I understand how you tried to work that in...maybe for added effect you should of carried violins of violence with 'the music stops'....lifelessness... you know what I'm saying? either way it's hard to gripe with this verse there's a lot said & unsaid that make a perfect blend of ideas & potential you capitalize on the music approach as I would, and cap off the end nicely.. dope work.... v/This is a tough battle to vote on due to the difference in styles both came correct as the writers they are, Nigma had quite the showing as did Rak, both hinge onto different aspects of the picture & make them work I really enjoy how Nigma went about this with his story, as well as Rak Rak came out hitting you rapidly with line after line progressing his piece while Nigma made an effort to paint a picture at the pace of injured jackrabbit but both came correct, and I'm going to have to favor Nigma this round.. his story came with more depth surrounding a character & story... as opposed to his opponent who came across quick witted & swift with his pen but I feel Nigma fleshed it out to a more enjoyable piece v/Nigma
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