Week 5: YDK (0-0) vs. Zen (0-0) RAKONTUR 4-3

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck
@YDK @Zen

[Split Eight]

[Woke]

Opened the door. Singeing my skin
Didn't notice the knobs crimson intent
A searing pain is hardly an after thought
Rising clouds creating fractal coughs
Wind pipes bellow. Eye lids weep
As a child and father...Cover iris peeps
Play peek-a-boo, only the crisis peeks
Leaving a lifeless being more crispy wing.
Kentucky fried while alive, rendered cheap
A lost soul infernally. Pretend your me

[YDK]

From ashes to ashes my world burned down,
Surrounding my walls, engulfing the sounds.
Coughing up clouds as I fall to the ground,
Flames all around me yet I feel like I'll drown.
The roof opens up I see the sun and blue skies,
A fireman enters, but I choose to die.
There are things that I still have to atone for,
My wife loves me, but she doesn't need to know more.
I tell him to leave because I'm not ready for him to deliver me,
Because I still have to clear my computers history.

[Razah]

So, Im'a just quote the shit I didn't like.

"Leaving a lifeless being more crispy wing.
Kentucky fried while alive, rendered cheap"

That couplet ruined the piece for me.

YDK:

"Because I still have to clear my computers history."

I thought that was funny, but, it didn't fit well. Should've just stayed serious if ya' ask me.

I liked Rakontur's verse more. The wording was better, and although both had good flowing verses, I feel like YDK's verse was more simple. In this case, it might have hurt him (in my eyes, at least)

vRakontur

[asylum]

mvgt ydk this week.

rak
like razah said, that kentucky fried line really killed it for me. it was an ok attempt at humor but didn't really match the tone of the rest of the piece. i like the doorknob opening tho, that was pretty cool. i like the way fractal coughs sounded but sadly, geometry doesn't really have anything to do with coughing. sorry bud.

ydk
very simple approach, well timed joke... twist fit in well with your flow. mechanics progressed nicely. liked the verse more.

let's see more from you guys next week!

[timeless]

Really enjoyed raks opening bars, thought this would be been a dope little read minus the kfc bar. Pretty weak imo. That bar cost you a win here. Ydks was also short and to the point. I enjoy a good witty twist, especially comical, even if it wasn't written to the fullest of your abilities. Im sensing some rust even with this quick key. Either way u did enough to get a vote from me.

V. YDK

[Inno]

Both went for the literal. Expected but def not wasted.

Rak

This felt like a poem to me. Either the cadence or the how short
It was both in line and overall length. Either way this had a deep tone
To it. I want to say your ending "pretend your me" was almost predicted
By the tone of this piece. But it's predictable in a good way like " i hope it ends
How i think it will end" which tbh as a reader is pretty dope.

Ydk

I thought your verse was dope as fuck until that last line. You had this srs tone to
The piece and then suddenly that line seemed to undermine the rest of the verse
To get a cheap ending. Wasnt feeling that at all.

Vote

Rak

I thought his overall showing was much better than ydk, i feel like he dropped
The ball with the computer history end.

[UnbornBuddha]

A short battle.

Rak: I feel there were a couple of mishaps here, your style here was not as poignant as it usually is and I didn't mind the KFC line, but there was segments where the flow was choppy and or the language wasn't very clear, such as: "Eye lids weep As a child and father...Cover iris peeps". And in short battles like this, the fluidity of the read is very important. I took the verse literally and metaphorically, which seemed to be the intent. The beginning seemed to convey a firefighter coming to the rescue, but then switched to the allusion of the inferno, which while valid, is too obvious of a metaphor to make. You had some nice lines though fractal coughs and the like.

YDK: Your was very direct and I even felt you added some of your own emotional content here. I'm going to make the assumption you're not a firefighter, but by your avatar you have a kid, and perhaps a wife, but ultimately I don't know, pardon my ignorance. I also don't mean any harm by bringing your personal relationships up, but, your love for your own family shined here and it seemed you wrote it with them in mind and it was really a case of what psychologists call "transference". Now, this transference can be a good or bad thing, good because the emotion is real and so its conveyed very clear and the reader gets a heartfelt sense of what your aim was, the negative side is that a writer should be able to reproduce that feeling whether or not they have experience or attachment to the subject. You seem to write always based on your own experience, which can be an obstacle toward being able to write about everything. As for the writing itself, its simpler than Rak's, and I've read some of your season 3 entries and you're capable of much more, but I still felt the simplicity of the entry here took it.

Vote: YDK

[Split Eight]

Not a huge fan of either this week. Thought YDK had better writing on the whole, but delivered the concept of unfaithfulness with an unappreciated air of nonchalance. I felt like his ending was surreal due to convenience, like a highly forced Deus Ex. Rakontur over-dramatized a super basic plot, didn't enjoy his use of language at all. I feel like it was way too aloof without a legitimate reason. Might just be my own eternal dissatisfaction as a reader, because I cast at least one vote like this a week

V/ Rakontur for consistency

[PancakeBrah]

Voting from phone. Rak had some weirdly forced phrasing. Ydk's felt basic and uncreative. Neither wowed with the approach to the topic. YDKs ending felt cheap, a joke throwaway line that, instead of turning the verse on its head, just cheapened any effect. I think I enjoyed rakantors effort a bit more, which is the only basis I can use in this particular battle.

Rak