loved & lost

UnbornBuddha · 08-15-2015, 01:19 AM

"Fan the flames, ashes hover in bland remains
Your lashes flutter, I shudder in a clap of chains
Can I ask your name, Miss Venus of an astral plane?...
Open wide, provoking eyes, lying in your mind’s midst
Open skies, floating by, flying in a blind bliss
Open sighs, hoping I’m finding you in time Miss
Open night, close the day—dying you’ve gone away."

I thought this was fantastic, particularly what I quoted. Actually, I thought the first stanza was phenomenally captivating. The second was decent, but nothing like that first. Third was a nice closure, you have a very good flow., Frankly, the whole verse is very easy on the eyes. Although it did feel a bit circular in its progression and some parts were somewhat superfluous, nevertheless I enjoyed the read.

08-15-2015, 01:19 AM	#10
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	"Fan the flames, ashes hover in bland remains Your lashes flutter, I shudder in a clap of chains Can I ask your name, Miss Venus of an astral plane?... Open wide, provoking eyes, lying in your mind’s midst Open skies, floating by, flying in a blind bliss Open sighs, hoping I’m finding you in time Miss Open night, close the day—dying you’ve gone away." I thought this was fantastic, particularly what I quoted. Actually, I thought the first stanza was phenomenally captivating. The second was decent, but nothing like that first. Third was a nice closure, you have a very good flow., Frankly, the whole verse is very easy on the eyes. Although it did feel a bit circular in its progression and some parts were somewhat superfluous, nevertheless I enjoyed the read. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 08-15-2015 at 02:46 AM.