root / separate

Nigma · 08-11-2015, 12:59 AM

brown liquor, white porcelain
skin fluorescent. porch-light ornament
i like starting off with fewer syllables in the first couplet, adds some sort of unconscious buildup in the reads mind. very blackesque melding of several literary devices in few words and plain english.
dry leaves in late autumn crackle under our forearms
leaning forward. i can barely make out your sentences
make out with teenage recklessness. bottle glass & breath mints
menthol smoke / synth pop / pop culture references
frame my entrance in chemical. rocks in the sand
burn midnight oil like polymer strands. fossil fuel gasses
imagery has been nice, but ^this^ line made my pineal smile (<-- ™)
american colossal crack granite. hitchhike planets. don't panic
says the galaxy guide. twisting paper til i've breathed you alive
last couplet was off for me. highhike planets didn't resonate properly and the wording at the end of the following line was also very meh
pearly-white paint pinky fingernails, pre-madonna preside
pacifist our pain. primitive piranha our pride
was dope till primitive piranha our pride
recanting pill-bottle prayerbooks our doctors prescribe
then waltz to the pew. pulse your pussycat, platonic pursuit
^that^ was delicious
smoking for 7, thinking for 4 and talking for 2
you saw me in that room but i was watching you too
slink along like satin sultry swallowing shrooms
silver ring your sinus. soft as saturday moons
simmer soupy serenade our jukebox saloon.
alliteration/assonance combo and the wording/concept all meshed super well there
karaoke Sinatra to scream your seven-day blues
while i sneak out the back in search of seaside seclusion.
where's the root, she asked.
i stopped. considered the question
and told her something altogether separate.

i'm sorry

nice intriguing food for thought ending. this drop had a cool tone and direction but had some lines that lacked polish as well. the high points outnumbered and did more than outweigh the negatives, nice read.

08-11-2015, 12:59 AM	#1
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,723 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595813	brown liquor, white porcelain skin fluorescent. porch-light ornament i like starting off with fewer syllables in the first couplet, adds some sort of unconscious buildup in the reads mind. very blackesque melding of several literary devices in few words and plain english. dry leaves in late autumn crackle under our forearms leaning forward. i can barely make out your sentences make out with teenage recklessness. bottle glass & breath mints menthol smoke / synth pop / pop culture references frame my entrance in chemical. rocks in the sand burn midnight oil like polymer strands. fossil fuel gasses imagery has been nice, but ^this^ line made my pineal smile (<-- ™) american colossal crack granite. hitchhike planets. don't panic says the galaxy guide. twisting paper til i've breathed you alive last couplet was off for me. highhike planets didn't resonate properly and the wording at the end of the following line was also very meh pearly-white paint pinky fingernails, pre-madonna preside pacifist our pain. primitive piranha our pride was dope till primitive piranha our pride recanting pill-bottle prayerbooks our doctors prescribe then waltz to the pew. pulse your pussycat, platonic pursuit ^that^ was delicious smoking for 7, thinking for 4 and talking for 2 you saw me in that room but i was watching you too slink along like satin sultry swallowing shrooms silver ring your sinus. soft as saturday moons simmer soupy serenade our jukebox saloon. alliteration/assonance combo and the wording/concept all meshed super well there karaoke Sinatra to scream your seven-day blues while i sneak out the back in search of seaside seclusion. where's the root, she asked. i stopped. considered the question and told her something altogether separate. i'm sorry nice intriguing food for thought ending. this drop had a cool tone and direction but had some lines that lacked polish as well. the high points outnumbered and did more than outweigh the negatives, nice read. __________________