AOWL Week 10: DeadLion (0-0) VS. pohfig (4-3) [POHFIG WINS, 10-0.]

Cereal_Killa · 04-26-2013, 08:06 AM

Deadlion:

This was cool, either you are new to lyrical story leagues or you thought you where gonna get no showed.. this verse seems 1/3 complete to me.. I don’t mean to offend cause you did round it up but it was a tip of the iceberg type ish.. you just started character building had about 4 lines of action and then the resolution.. for a short piece this was dope.. you have all the elements of a great writer you just didn’t get to flush the whole piece out this week.. cool none the less dude, nice drop..

Pent:

Man I felt this piece.. the hurry, the urgency and dire upkeep of being alive.. It’s constant and in full motion.. dude awesome placement of words, structure was dif from usual but I really loved it.. tight man by placing so many internals in each line that’s what drove this piece at its remarkable pace, and by then breaking them with your punctuation.. it was like a sudden stop/pause/period (a calm) then straight back into reality – fast paced and real heavy.. dope dude

Vote = pohfig

I think deadlion is just getten into the swing of things n we will be seeing a lot of dope work from them.. pent your structure was off the chain.. nice match guys g/l

Objective · 04-26-2013, 06:40 PM

Deadlion: Meh.. I'd like to know more. It's rather short and cryptic, pulling cars instead of Mars? Da fuq is that supposed to mean? I don't get it. So, she's pushing cars? Is she selling them or something? And ''instead of pulling Mars'', so, she's afraid of relationship/commitment etc? Not sure if I get this line but it looks poorly worded. A lot of your sentences also seemed to lack a reason for them being there, I don't know.. Just what I felt while reading it.

Don't be afraid of making your sentences abit clearer to get your point across as long as it flows throughout. Your verse did flow decently enough, but in total the verse wasn't that great and rather looked like a sketch or a stream of ideas that could need some formating etc. The potential for a decent piece is there, but as it stands now it could need some more work. I also didn't like the fact that you used the entire topic in your piece, it's cool to hint/reference it, but completely copying it is a lazy way of doing it. Get creative, let yourself loose, try different shit and just go for it man. I've read some similar endings/plots before and this wasn't among the best. Keep writing and improve.

Pohfig: Started off decent enough and got progressively better throughout. Definately enjoyed the third stanza. Great imagery and descriptive shit in there. Love how the sentences flow fluidly as I read them and manage to picture it in my head by the way you write;

''We're crazy in our heads with all our imagery and shapes:
An awfully glossy coffee table mache'd from the filthiest mistakes.''
^ Idk why, but I fucking loved the second line here. Some shit that could be read from a book. Dope.

I took notice that you quoted the title as well, I have done it sometime in my past as well so I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but; I don't like it. Beside of that, dope verse, enjoyed the read, not as great as your last weeks verse but still pretty cool nevertheless. Keep it up.

Vote: Pohfig. If DeadLion sorts out his sentences a little bit better I think we'll look at some pretty interesting shit.

04-26-2013, 08:06 AM	#1
Cereal_Killa Licking Lily's.. Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 706 Battle Record: 11-6 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3565733	Deadlion: This was cool, either you are new to lyrical story leagues or you thought you where gonna get no showed.. this verse seems 1/3 complete to me.. I don’t mean to offend cause you did round it up but it was a tip of the iceberg type ish.. you just started character building had about 4 lines of action and then the resolution.. for a short piece this was dope.. you have all the elements of a great writer you just didn’t get to flush the whole piece out this week.. cool none the less dude, nice drop.. Pent: Man I felt this piece.. the hurry, the urgency and dire upkeep of being alive.. It’s constant and in full motion.. dude awesome placement of words, structure was dif from usual but I really loved it.. tight man by placing so many internals in each line that’s what drove this piece at its remarkable pace, and by then breaking them with your punctuation.. it was like a sudden stop/pause/period (a calm) then straight back into reality – fast paced and real heavy.. dope dude Vote = pohfig I think deadlion is just getten into the swing of things n we will be seeing a lot of dope work from them.. pent your structure was off the chain.. nice match guys g/l __________________ You think YOU'RE sick I shit cough drops ..

04-26-2013, 06:40 PM	#2
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	Deadlion: Meh.. I'd like to know more. It's rather short and cryptic, pulling cars instead of Mars? Da fuq is that supposed to mean? I don't get it. So, she's pushing cars? Is she selling them or something? And ''instead of pulling Mars'', so, she's afraid of relationship/commitment etc? Not sure if I get this line but it looks poorly worded. A lot of your sentences also seemed to lack a reason for them being there, I don't know.. Just what I felt while reading it. Don't be afraid of making your sentences abit clearer to get your point across as long as it flows throughout. Your verse did flow decently enough, but in total the verse wasn't that great and rather looked like a sketch or a stream of ideas that could need some formating etc. The potential for a decent piece is there, but as it stands now it could need some more work. I also didn't like the fact that you used the entire topic in your piece, it's cool to hint/reference it, but completely copying it is a lazy way of doing it. Get creative, let yourself loose, try different shit and just go for it man. I've read some similar endings/plots before and this wasn't among the best. Keep writing and improve. Pohfig: Started off decent enough and got progressively better throughout. Definately enjoyed the third stanza. Great imagery and descriptive shit in there. Love how the sentences flow fluidly as I read them and manage to picture it in my head by the way you write; ''We're crazy in our heads with all our imagery and shapes: An awfully glossy coffee table mache'd from the filthiest mistakes.'' ^ Idk why, but I fucking loved the second line here. Some shit that could be read from a book. Dope. I took notice that you quoted the title as well, I have done it sometime in my past as well so I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but; I don't like it. Beside of that, dope verse, enjoyed the read, not as great as your last weeks verse but still pretty cool nevertheless. Keep it up. Vote: Pohfig. If DeadLion sorts out his sentences a little bit better I think we'll look at some pretty interesting shit.