Objective vs fraze - (fraze wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 1

@Objective @fraze

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

(Don't write to the book itself... just the image.)

[Objective]

Check in

Votes:
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119253
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?p=500486
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119252

[fraze]

Check sir. Good luck and may the prose be with you.

[Objective]

Rain.
It's always rain.
The rain burns and melts into my skin.
Burns and turns and finds every curve to my body;

Then destroys it.
It hurts and makes sure every nerve gets hit...
(... at least twice ...)
I still know where I placed my shotty,
a sense of entitlement rush over me as I envision myself as John Gotti.
At least it feels nice.
My inner voice yells; ''For fuck sake kid!''
and my psyche got some void wit.

Yep, it's always the rain...
That emotional pain that makes the nature in men go insane and befriend friends from the past you thought knew for sure wasn't welcome anymore like Anxiety, Panic and Disorder.
But it wasn't the shotty that made me lose face,
it was the rain.
It's always;
rain.

The moment I looked down the barrel and clicked the trigger with my toes I finally got a glimpse of sunshine for the first time in years.

[fraze]

tour de force of triumph...
stories from a world divided
where scarlet rage is intertwined with shine colored like suns- collided
in a clash of clans devising plans to seek until they find it
draped in coward's colors but cannot be mistaken for spineless
if you cant read between the lines why bother opening your eyelids?
all I hears the sound of silence...
must you be reminded?

shades from the past...
spectres of a memory.
a clock chime marking the pass of time and ending chemistry
between periods of disbelief and the unraveling mysteries
secret wisdom learned from all the greatest kings in history
mathematic tactics practiced just to keep it interesting
a classic masterpiece treatise- forever livin infamy
or is it simply nothing more than neverending misery
lessons we're administering...
from unions skilled in villainy

plans don't always work like clocks
though it seems unorthodox
I'd rather stand on principle
your principle is stand and watch
thinking simple standard thoughts
standardized for scanning dots
while I fractal the lames... only set I claim is Mandelbrot's
infinite expansion with the gift to gab at random
unplanned so i can handle any topic I am handed
break down subject matter like the bonds were just covalent
then pull it all together like the forces between planets

[Inno]

Fraze

"plans don't always work like clocks
though it seems unorthodox
I'd rather stand on principle
your principle is stand and watch
thinking simple standard thoughts
standardized for scanning dots
while I fractal the lames... only set I claim is Mandelbrot's
infinite expansion with the gift to gab at random
unplanned so i can handle any topic I am handed
break down subject matter like the bonds were just covalent
then pull it all together like the forces between planets"


Ok so this part is just on a roll bro. The simple nature pf the flow and diction os apparent but i feel like you created this background that just sinks into the reader. Well at least this part is. Fucking dope man. The rest of the piece is good but not as good as the part I quoted. I felt like you direction got lost a bit and at times i coildnt really picture the topic wthin your lines. Felt like both of you went a little vague at times. But you seem to carry the plot a little better. Great post and tbh you have something im looking forward to reading more of.

Objective.

I feel like your problem is that like i mentioned above. I feel like you went to vague with incorporating the pic into your piece. I can see traces and instances of the topic every now and thenn but to me it feels like you looked at the topic and molded this story off a loose connection. I loved the rain aspect and i feel like if you would put more metaphors, similes, more things that would hint at the topic. Yeah shit like that would of made your connection to the topic a bit more.


Overall

I feel like both fell to the " too vague" problem. Which is understandable givin the topic. So props to both of you for dropping what you did. But. This a league. So i gotta choose one. I thought fraze did an exceptional job with the topic. Yes it was vague at times but i felt he gave me enough for me to ifnd that connection to the topic. Nice battle fellas i enjoyed the read. Please continue to participate. You are what keeps this league alive. Thank you.

Fraze
__________________

[ribbit]

I felt similar to inno and thought objective was a bit vague and I couldnt put a finger on the significance of objectives topic and how it tied into the pic provided as for graze he came basic and his verse could have used a push in any direction and I think he would have taken this battle easily

Overall

I think fraze's generic verse was still enough to take the win but next week am going to make sure he puts a little effort to make his verse more simple so that its more enjoyable to read whereas I hope objective uses the topic more indignantly so that it puts a clear idea running through the entire piece

Yeah so vote, fraze

[sral]

I really liked Fraze's piece here, mainly because I was writing recently on how math is the language of the universe so I could relate heavily to a lot of what he wrote about, fractles, Mandelbrot Sets, the planets and universes expansion etc.

It was done really well and I'm not too well versed on poetry categories or how to judge them, but this was good to me. Real appealing. We share a common interest so it was instantly relatable to me and struck a chord with me as a reader.

Objective - This was a well written verse, I thought the use of rain was a good evocative device to employ. An extended metaphor unraveling from that might of helped you here, maybe, with something to tie in the characters tears and the rain drops and a person at a distance not being able to distinguish one from the other, maybe? Just an idea I had when reading. The end was a sufficient but I maybe would have used something again in this piece to end by tying in something to do with the rain again, you know? To give the impression of the piece - and this cycle (be that death, life, love etc) - coming full circle and being never ending. Again, it's just an idea that struck me but I figured that was more fitting. Something polarising rather than the atypical topical ending with death resolving it all.

Two great verses but I'm giving Fraze the edge here, more so through personal preference than anything else as I could fully connect to what he was saying and the route he took conceptually. Good battle!

Vote - Fraze

[Sharp]

I'm voting cause I know how much it sucks when leagues start slow. props guys for doing this and if you feel my vote's uninformed or totally off, lemme know n I won't be offended, but I'm just gonna vote for who I thought had a more effective verse and explain it.


Rain.
It's always rain.
The rain burns and melts into my skin.
Burns and turns and finds every curve to my body;
Cool introduction, I'm interested to see where this goes

Then destroys it.
It hurts and makes sure every nerve gets hit...
(... at least twice ...)
I still know where I placed my shotty,
a sense of entitlement rush over me as I envision myself as John Gotti.
At least it feels nice.
My inner voice yells; ''For fuck sake kid!''
and my psyche got some void wit.
I like the buildup here

Yep, it's always the rain...
That emotional pain that makes the nature in men go insane and befriend friends from the past you thought knew for sure wasn't welcome anymore like Anxiety, Panic and Disorder.
that read nice. felt like a strong climax here
But it wasn't the shotty that made me lose face,
it was the rain.
It's always;
rain.

The moment I looked down the barrel and clicked the trigger with my toes I finally got a glimpse of sunshine for the first time in years.
I really like the way this ends - the sunshine/rain ties up thematically while the piece comes to a natural end. Thought it was effective for it's length, you did a lot with fewer words than I would've thought




tour de force of triumph...
stories from a world divided
where scarlet rage is intertwined with shine colored like suns- collided
in a clash of clans devising plans to seek until they find it
draped in coward's colors but cannot be mistaken for spineless
if you cant read between the lines why bother opening your eyelids?
all I hears the sound of silence...
must you be reminded?
killer assonance and I like the eye connection with the pic

shades from the past...
spectres of a memory.
a clock chime marking the pass of time and ending chemistry
between periods of disbelief and the unraveling mysteries
secret wisdom learned from all the greatest kings in history
mathematic tactics practiced just to keep it interesting
a classic masterpiece treatise- forever livin infamy
or is it simply nothing more than neverending misery
lessons we're administering...
from unions skilled in villainy
reads like butter tbh. great technical writing that connects to the opening paragraph well

plans don't always work like clocks
though it seems unorthodox
I'd rather stand on principle
your principle is stand and watch
thinking simple standard thoughts
standardized for scanning dots
while I fractal the lames... only set I claim is Mandelbrot's
infinite expansion with the gift to gab at random
unplanned so i can handle any topic I am handed
break down subject matter like the bonds were just covalent
then pull it all together like the forces between planets
fractal/mandelbrot was interesting. these two paragraphs read well but I had to take my time to figure out what exactly you were saying



man these are two very different approaches and a cool combination. Objective went for straightahead story telling and a really nice rain/sunshine theme. I'm drawing a blank on what to call what fraze did but that shit was pensive. took the topic and ran with it like that in the same way I would. seemed to have a lot more connection to the book than objective (which isn't good or bad, just an observation). definitely just my own preference talking but I'm going with objective here. Once I separated the image from the story I saw both working with it and separately in their own ways - very cool - but I just found Objective's thematic approach more effective. good read from both guys, props

tbh I think this is my first topical vote ever so dont hesitate to question me but


v/objective

[fraze]

your vote is good. as long as you back up your opinion I can't really complain.

[Destroyer]

fraze got this
it's just better
some of the voting in this league is just like what?
like punctuation does not mean shit
some dude told me my punctuation was lacking
like seriously? aren't we writing poems here?
anyway, fraze showed a mastery of the language and weaved an intricate template of rhyme and symbolism.
I don't understand where objective got rain out of the picture, but hey

v/fraze

[Vulgar]

Objective - This was a bit lackluster, for a couple of reasons. You didn't really have to use "rain" as the main focus of the piece. It could have served as a particular detail. Instead, you chose to give it central importance to the piece and it was a little on the weak side/vague in connection with a typical human mood or psyche. Rain is synonymous with dreariness and being worn out, down with the blues, etc. I got that aspect of the topic relation. It just wasn't stirring, the language felt very flat, IMO. Thanks for showing.

fraze - This was well written and rhymed, your threw in bravado and braggadocio for good measure. The mood throughout was confident and I was left hoping there were more stanzas because the execution was nice. Overall, good work.

My vote goes to fraze.