AOWL Week 9: TYSON (2-3) vs. Patrown (2-2) [TYSON WINS, 5-4.]

Juxtaposition · 04-17-2013, 10:40 PM

Tyson -

Good idea to approach to topic with this angle. I saw 'listening' and was completely surprised when I started reading. Maybe that says more about me lol.

"descriptions fill the void textures feel the forge hearing the blacksmith chill the sword"
YES. I'm digging the direction of this piece so far.

"Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective"
I like the rhymes, the description, the word choices.

"Vanity for upholstery and outer beauty creates insanity and adultery" WORD

"Eyes can be deceived but my ears can never be coerced"

Don't agree with you there, every sense can be manipulated, but you drove your point home with exquisite descriptions. I also thought it was a good move to make the character a former boxer. It just adds more to the human spirit element. Makes what came before it more savory.

You had some spelling issues but nothing to major, I think you have a good style, it's tight and has impact and not ordinary or forced. You could have more interesting rhyme sets though, and also your narration is a little bit distant, just for minor tweaks. Meaning, there was a chance for even more connection to the character, or maybe even a stronger way you could have portrayed being blind and mute.

Although I think you did well with making listening vital to existence.

PAT-

Wooo...

I think the first three lines were a bit off, especially the greasy curtains part, but everything else man I wouldn't change.

This is economy of words to the fullest.

This is a haikuesque. This is an Aesop Fable.

You went deep without feeling like you skipped anything. I don't even feel like you used emotion to try and steal credibility.

Respect man. Well done.

Vote - PAT

04-17-2013, 10:40 PM	#12
Juxtaposition Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 65 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 38	Tyson - Good idea to approach to topic with this angle. I saw 'listening' and was completely surprised when I started reading. Maybe that says more about me lol. "descriptions fill the void textures feel the forge hearing the blacksmith chill the sword" YES. I'm digging the direction of this piece so far. "Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective" I like the rhymes, the description, the word choices. "Vanity for upholstery and outer beauty creates insanity and adultery" WORD "Eyes can be deceived but my ears can never be coerced" Don't agree with you there, every sense can be manipulated, but you drove your point home with exquisite descriptions. I also thought it was a good move to make the character a former boxer. It just adds more to the human spirit element. Makes what came before it more savory. You had some spelling issues but nothing to major, I think you have a good style, it's tight and has impact and not ordinary or forced. You could have more interesting rhyme sets though, and also your narration is a little bit distant, just for minor tweaks. Meaning, there was a chance for even more connection to the character, or maybe even a stronger way you could have portrayed being blind and mute. Although I think you did well with making listening vital to existence. PAT- Wooo... I think the first three lines were a bit off, especially the greasy curtains part, but everything else man I wouldn't change. This is economy of words to the fullest. This is a haikuesque. This is an Aesop Fable. You went deep without feeling like you skipped anything. I don't even feel like you used emotion to try and steal credibility. Respect man. Well done. Vote - PAT Last edited by Juxtaposition; 04-17-2013 at 11:01 PM.