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#2 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12,480
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
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I respect the opening two stanzas since they seem to be true, or true to how you're feeling about this particular subject on this particular day. But they seemed a bit more generic than the rest of the piece. For instance, 'eyes of fire' made me groan a little bit. Just a very over-used phrase. Not to say an over-used phrase can't be made use of, but I think it has to be a used differently, as opposed to the crux of a whole line. Also, 'fucks my mind' seems a bit at odds with the general vibe I was getting from this. I liked the rest of the piece, though, for the most part. Lines like
"I'm not one of her stones she chisels the crust from" (I think this works best as a stand alone thought as opposed to something to continue on with the next line but regardless I liked it) "But just cus' i'm not one of them doesn't mean I couldn't fit in their skin" (favorite line) "Sandpapered her fingertips picking strings" and "I guess i'm destined to never finish, I only measure beginnings, and when the well runs dry, I measure the distance" are all good to very good, in my opinion. The only real problem I had with the lengthier portion of this piece was the run-on sentence feel of some of your thoughts. Your use of periods were welcome, since you ran ideas over multiple lines, but I think you might could have broken the sentences/thoughts up a bit for a smoother reading. I almost felt out of breath trying to read your entire thought, losing track of any real rhythm. But I'm an idiot so take all that with a grain of salt. A tiny bit uneven but some definite strengths here. Thanks for the read.
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