AOWL Week 8: Aesthetic (0-2) VS. Objective (1-2) [OBJECTIVE WINS, 6-3.]

patrown · 04-11-2013, 06:16 AM

/v objective - this line threw me off a bit. the story gives me shivers,the first stanza had a chorus like punch to it, i enjoyed that tone. second stanza didn't feel like it brought me into the third one as much as i could have hoped for. not so much a progression issue with what was there, as much as a time lapse i wondered about.
however, as a whole, you did a very good job on the topic. you may have skipped a bit, but i could empathize with your character, wasn't distracted by mechanics at all and there were some good rhymes. i was comfortable with the story as a whole at the end more, giving you my vote today.

aesthetic - you did a good job of setting a tone of despair. not sure what happened in the end.. the patient tried to follow the hospice worker, perhaps fell and died with a knock on the head? not sure.
the scenes were taken down a notch by an abundance of pronouns. i, me, she.. etc.
"______," gasped.. i would normally think the main character said something in a gasp, and anything after gasped would most likely be taken as a reaction from a bystander. she's and i's .. give a distant feel to me as the reader, i was more worried about who was saying it than what was being said. hope that makes sense......
only too see broken aspirations and complication.
"A retirement home, I understand" spoken out loud I gasp as she starts too sob.
right there could have used a little work to help the verses flow. long sets of recurring end rhymes are hard to follow though. my best advice would be to make less observations of the character,than letting that character tell the story through actions, thoughts, or speech. i wasn't really sure what happened in the end.. and with a little bit of editing for coherence, your story would've had a stronger impact. more inner rhyme would have helped too.

04-11-2013, 06:16 AM	#20
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	/v objective - this line threw me off a bit. the story gives me shivers,the first stanza had a chorus like punch to it, i enjoyed that tone. second stanza didn't feel like it brought me into the third one as much as i could have hoped for. not so much a progression issue with what was there, as much as a time lapse i wondered about. however, as a whole, you did a very good job on the topic. you may have skipped a bit, but i could empathize with your character, wasn't distracted by mechanics at all and there were some good rhymes. i was comfortable with the story as a whole at the end more, giving you my vote today. aesthetic - you did a good job of setting a tone of despair. not sure what happened in the end.. the patient tried to follow the hospice worker, perhaps fell and died with a knock on the head? not sure. the scenes were taken down a notch by an abundance of pronouns. i, me, she.. etc. "______," gasped.. i would normally think the main character said something in a gasp, and anything after gasped would most likely be taken as a reaction from a bystander. she's and i's .. give a distant feel to me as the reader, i was more worried about who was saying it than what was being said. hope that makes sense...... only too see broken aspirations and complication. "A retirement home, I understand" spoken out loud I gasp as she starts too sob. right there could have used a little work to help the verses flow. long sets of recurring end rhymes are hard to follow though. my best advice would be to make less observations of the character,than letting that character tell the story through actions, thoughts, or speech. i wasn't really sure what happened in the end.. and with a little bit of editing for coherence, your story would've had a stronger impact. more inner rhyme would have helped too.