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#1 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 329
Battle Record: 5-5
Rep Power: 60 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Wrote this originally for the RSTL.. Then revised it a little bit... I want to revisit this piece and revise it again, so was curious to see some more feedback before I begin
Too Manic I’m not kept together, I’m just neatly packaged These eyes have bled tears that smiles blanket And no one knows, and no one hears ‘cause I won’t tell… the end is near… I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not – be So… Slide down… from the wall to the ground… Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown… And now?... it’s the ending of this… One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss… Shut these eyes into slits like sliced wrists, I’m going home Embrace the ice kiss of steel tips, to ticks of a metronome I’m standing on the tip of a matchstick - with a sandpaper soul That I wear under my feet, got a habit of dragging my soles I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fire My life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighter So I press these needles into veins that look like streets on a map They pinpoint me along a road trip, I’m just following the path I’m on my way… ETA? End of today – go Transit is convenient when I’m my own scapegoat Blood trickles down in beads, forming rivers - thin Puncture wounds sting from perspiration that coats my skin I muster up - half a grin - at the irony of the predicament They say life isn’t for us to take, so I guess that this is petty theft Cause I’m not worth half a cent, my networth is fraudulent They gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless The mood has gotten ominous, I’m at that point where I am optionless And even if I had choices, I’d have nothing to weigh them with I’m a broken instrument... staining this house, a broken pen This will be a slow death...... Daybreak... the sun creeped in through the blinds And shed a tear as it kissed my cheek for the first time... Goodbye
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Pen and Thread Bent | Nom | Ink STILL working on that book I left competing for... ig: @dchang.poetry |
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#2 |
Upset Champion
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Mids
Posts: 3,861
Battle Record: 57-49
Accomplishments - 50 Wins
Champed - BA Rookie Tourney
- 1-2 Punch League (x2)
- Pandemonium Cypher
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Rep Power: 24894581 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not – be So… Slide down… from the wall to the ground… Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown… And now?... it’s the ending of this… One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss… Some serious flow/syllable issues for me in this.. The first two lines for example... I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain I would of gone more I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains The wind blew away parts of me that i didn't believe remained But I suppose thats just me, for me that just rolls of the tounge alot better... The rest of it was pretty solid but that whole first bit needs some more complexity to the rhyme scheme and more multis. Was way too simple in approach for me...and just didnt read well. BUt that last half was a nice read, some fire in there, keep writing. |
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#3 |
SuPreaM Lyricyst
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 704
Battle Record: 9-6
Rep Power: 412358 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Man this is hotness. The only thing I would look to change is some of the verbs to improve flow and give it more
action. This is something I am playing with/improving as well and its a process, to make your writing more muscular. for example - "I'm just following the path", to just Follow the Path "staining this house"... to just Stain that shit. not all verbs would need this just a few could make a marked difference. This is a really dope piece.
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A.bove T.he R.est
IamBenT|Genocide|MikeWrecka|Objective|Vulgar|Witty |Rawn MacDon |
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#4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,709
Battle Record: 9-12
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this was pretty ill. you have a good grasp on putting a picture in someones head, i didnt like the force of packaged/blanket line in the beggining but it happens.
I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fireMy life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighterSo I press these needles into veins that look like streets on a mapThey pinpoint me along a road trip, I’m just following the path i thought this was fire.. I muster up - half a grin - at the irony of the predicamentThey say life isn’t for us to take, so I guess that this is petty theftCause I’m not worth half a cent, my networth is fraudulentThey gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless felt this right here man.. the rest was nicely written, definitely got skill. thanks for the read, ill peep more if i see you drop it. stay up |
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#5 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 7
Rep Power: 37 ![]() |
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you can tell that you aren't an American, by that I mean you are gay.
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