AOWL Week 8: Witty (2-3) VS. Cereal_Killa (1-1) [CEREAL_KILLA WINS, 6-3.]

[Pent uP]

Kill Kill KILLAH -- wattup. im so happy to be off work I dont even care that I'm spending my 'spare time' voting. The verse was cool at the beginning. I have a problem with the middle there - your imagery wasn't up to par with what it shouldve been but i'll get to that, and also the ending was slightly sloppier then I think you're capable of - but we'll get there too. First I'd like to say that the beginning was FIRE. I dont mean the prologue I mean the

"Nervous, nerves of steel to shield but with a will I wield on purpose
Strong, a battle field of love or lust.. Uncertainty feels so worthless
Hurting before insertion, but too young to know any better
He gropes in pleasure, wetter yet aware of the scarlet’s letter
He kisses me, I’m eased releasing in a sea of my endeavors"

just the way that whole that segment rolls off the tongue is dope, and (in my experience) part of your signature style. Anyways - im gonna stop brooding on specifics so much -- Your wording was excellent up until the scene of the...forceful entry. I felt like you wanted to keep it vague but make it vulgar - and that to me is a contradiction in writing. I think the diction there shouldve been raw and powerful and fucked up. Either go for it and make me sick or..you know..dont touch on the subject - that's my two cents. The problem I had with the ending was that you tried to characterized the woman right before the ending. It's like I spent the whole time getting set up to feel for this woman, and I almost did (or i did and dont wanna admit it lol) and then its like MY NAME IS VENERIAL DISEASE and i was like WTF DUDE I DONT WANNA LIKE YOU NOW. that's how I felt...but I'm giving you a 50000FT view of how I felt because it seems to be easier. I mean in the end the closer was still dope but the way you wrapped it up wasnt fluid with the story build. It went from fun to intense to negatively intense and then a HUGE drop to psychoanalytical without a smooth transition. Iono thats where I'm at. Cool commentary. Cool verse, gay font color faggot. lol

WITTY YOU WITTY MUHFUGGA - Haha, that was a dope ending...the verse had a pretty fire-tastic flow to it too. there was a part that made me stop reading and just give my computer screen a nod for the flow like 'damn witty, good job' but I'm in editing mode so I can't copy/paste it. It was the part with imminent/dilligent whatever rhymes - like a 4-5 line segment. Anyways -
Storywise I got a few problems with this -- Characterization, characterization, characterization. I dont feel like you made me and the dude connect (and im a damn GANGSTA, lol). I just knew he was doing it. It's like I was showed a bunch of pictures of him before he committed any crime, but he had the gun to their faces - I dont FEEL like he pulled the trigger, I just feel like I was told he was - but I was taught to ascertain for myself. I feel like you the time spent with the beginning (which in my opinion was the weakest part of this verse) could've been used to instead develop the middle. We already know he's a gangster because of what you're writing and the topic. We already know that he's bad for one of several cliche reasons - we'll just believe that he "just fell into it" that part isn't important to us (in this particular storyline). What we need is the MEAT of his transformation and thats what I think you should've spent the line limit doing - Changing him from mentally savage to mentally damaged. The ending was dope - I liked how you tied in some other lines from that movie, or another gangster quote if its not from there, and integrated it.

Overall - The verses were pretty dope and I enjoyed the matchup. The approaches you both took were extreme polar opposites and it makes the decision more taste-based I guess. I really liked CK's methodical word choice and I really appreciated Witty's rhyme-enamored styled. I think CK started strong and ended short and I think Witty could've used a lot more meat but he rounded out his verse well. Witty's concept was one dimensional though, and CK's had a couple of dimensions to it and thats really where I think the difference lies.

Cereal Killer