Obnoxious Dave

zygote · 04-09-2013, 09:41 AM

Biggest criticism is lack of build up to the character Stan shooting the Dave. A similar theme is in that classic movie film SEVEN (main actors Morgan Freemans and Brad Pit), now in this movie film the police officer also shoots the killer but the build up is immense (if you have seen this movie film you will know, if not then watch out for The Box). In your writing here you lack that build up, so when the action happens it lacks impact. There is not enough investment into the characters to result in a strong payoff. For example, the line discussing "For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage" this did not feel like enough explanation for crimes, you give some hints with "a myriad of victims" line, but still line like "jacking off to topless babes", I was thinking perhaps this policeman just executed an exhibitionist. Who is the crazy one here? If that is the direction you are going with the prequel then great. All this aside, the rhyming and vocabulary is advanced, and scene setting/describing all visuals was Top-notch.

Zen · 04-09-2013, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zygote

I was thinking perhaps this policeman just executed an exhibitionist.

I laughed so hard at that lol. But I appreciate the feedback from you man

04-09-2013, 09:41 AM	#1
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Biggest criticism is lack of build up to the character Stan shooting the Dave. A similar theme is in that classic movie film SEVEN (main actors Morgan Freemans and Brad Pit), now in this movie film the police officer also shoots the killer but the build up is immense (if you have seen this movie film you will know, if not then watch out for The Box). In your writing here you lack that build up, so when the action happens it lacks impact. There is not enough investment into the characters to result in a strong payoff. For example, the line discussing "For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage" this did not feel like enough explanation for crimes, you give some hints with "a myriad of victims" line, but still line like "jacking off to topless babes", I was thinking perhaps this policeman just executed an exhibitionist. Who is the crazy one here? If that is the direction you are going with the prequel then great. All this aside, the rhyming and vocabulary is advanced, and scene setting/describing all visuals was Top-notch.