AOWL Week 8: pohfig (4-1) VS. Red glare (4-2) [RED GLARE WINS, 7-5.]

Soulstice · 04-09-2013, 02:14 AM

pohfig - Spring Break. A crisp lake - or was it a river that we're on?
profound line. unfortunately for our character, there is no permanent idyllic settlement, no pristine body of water that exists in paradise. an endless river winding through life that we are forced to be carried down. either grow and adapt or get left back in a broken pile of memories and hopelessness. i think the imagery was a metaphor/allegory/what have you, but also REPRESENTED what you were trying to relate anyways, like the party on the beach is a metaphor for a party on the beach. complete with appropriate imagery. heckling scantily clad women, flexing beer muscles, all images that complete the 'party on the beach' but also can be dissected deeper into appropriate metaphors, all which hearken back to the theme (ill never grow up). it took me a while to catch the whole reminiscing-about-FEELING-like-ill-never-grow-up because thats sort of an odd double concept, but it didnt hurt. the fork in the road part and undressing lies parts were my favorites. i didnt think the piece got conceptually garbled at all - the lack of a characters ambitions or current directions(which i thought were being discussed in my first sort-of quick readover) were key in understanding his nostalgia.

red glare - the whole one rhyme scheme for a whole piece, especially one riddled with otherwise superb imagery and at this length, is quite difficult to pull off, and your wording certainly faltered at certain places, and the flow faltered as well due to slant rhymes. mostly it was good, but it seems par for the site to not judge a piece based on scattered technical flaws. i thought the imagery here was superb as i said but it required some extension of the readers imagination and leniency in order to fully shape the image (eroding edifice for instance. i didnt even stop reading, i understood the image, but still) some wonderful nuances in this piece. i got that this child is somewhat isolated and as a result hones his imagination, and i can only imagine he is limited to his movies and cartoons to conjure up this image. the weight of the world is featherless is a beautiful line, but featherless???? another instance of wording which i "got, but still" (excuse idiom usually reserved for the lazy inarticulate). anyways, i also took the meteor as the impending responsibility of the adult world, accentuated by the opening lines (usually important/looked to when building/searching for a concept). the fact that he takes off to stop the meteor and likely succeeds as he becomes the immaculate and infallible SuperMan in fact helps the metaphor of impending adulthood (which i at first was suspect of because he is 7 years old) because he will stop the meteor and live to fight another day.. or be a child a while longer. regardless of what the meteor actually represents (i dont know.. a divorce? seems like thatd fit in the atmosphere in the piece (isolated..no father?)) anyways im glad you didnt spread the piece conceptually thin by omitting it. just like what i said to pent above

v- pent up for doing more with his imagery, and less mistakes with wording/flow. both superior verses though.

04-09-2013, 02:14 AM	#12
Soulstice native system Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 387 Battle Record: 18-21 Champed - Short-Verse Topical Rep Power: 4453411	pohfig - Spring Break. A crisp lake - or was it a river that we're on? profound line. unfortunately for our character, there is no permanent idyllic settlement, no pristine body of water that exists in paradise. an endless river winding through life that we are forced to be carried down. either grow and adapt or get left back in a broken pile of memories and hopelessness. i think the imagery was a metaphor/allegory/what have you, but also REPRESENTED what you were trying to relate anyways, like the party on the beach is a metaphor for a party on the beach. complete with appropriate imagery. heckling scantily clad women, flexing beer muscles, all images that complete the 'party on the beach' but also can be dissected deeper into appropriate metaphors, all which hearken back to the theme (ill never grow up). it took me a while to catch the whole reminiscing-about-FEELING-like-ill-never-grow-up because thats sort of an odd double concept, but it didnt hurt. the fork in the road part and undressing lies parts were my favorites. i didnt think the piece got conceptually garbled at all - the lack of a characters ambitions or current directions(which i thought were being discussed in my first sort-of quick readover) were key in understanding his nostalgia. red glare - the whole one rhyme scheme for a whole piece, especially one riddled with otherwise superb imagery and at this length, is quite difficult to pull off, and your wording certainly faltered at certain places, and the flow faltered as well due to slant rhymes. mostly it was good, but it seems par for the site to not judge a piece based on scattered technical flaws. i thought the imagery here was superb as i said but it required some extension of the readers imagination and leniency in order to fully shape the image (eroding edifice for instance. i didnt even stop reading, i understood the image, but still) some wonderful nuances in this piece. i got that this child is somewhat isolated and as a result hones his imagination, and i can only imagine he is limited to his movies and cartoons to conjure up this image. the weight of the world is featherless is a beautiful line, but featherless???? another instance of wording which i "got, but still" (excuse idiom usually reserved for the lazy inarticulate). anyways, i also took the meteor as the impending responsibility of the adult world, accentuated by the opening lines (usually important/looked to when building/searching for a concept). the fact that he takes off to stop the meteor and likely succeeds as he becomes the immaculate and infallible SuperMan in fact helps the metaphor of impending adulthood (which i at first was suspect of because he is 7 years old) because he will stop the meteor and live to fight another day.. or be a child a while longer. regardless of what the meteor actually represents (i dont know.. a divorce? seems like thatd fit in the atmosphere in the piece (isolated..no father?)) anyways im glad you didnt spread the piece conceptually thin by omitting it. just like what i said to pent above v- pent up for doing more with his imagery, and less mistakes with wording/flow. both superior verses though.