WK6: timeless (3-2) vs dead man (3-2) [dead man wins 5-0.]

Vulgar · 11-09-2014, 07:42 PM

dead man - I understood this as a successful man's feelings of immortality; like it'll never go wrong, as long as he's a modern product of bad-assery. Or, he's a regular man who's realizing that life is temporary and he's already feeling karma catching up to him. This verse was minimalistic without being shy on the sauce.

timeless - Stylish and it rhymed unconventionally while still working and functioning as an intriguing verse. I thought you jumped around a little too much, not subject-wise, but tonally. The mood was altered in almost every line towards the end. I think that if you reel the reader in, there's no longer any need for rapid criss-cross action to secure their attention. Overall, cool.

My vote goes to dead man. It was more to my liking.

11-09-2014, 07:42 PM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	dead man - I understood this as a successful man's feelings of immortality; like it'll never go wrong, as long as he's a modern product of bad-assery. Or, he's a regular man who's realizing that life is temporary and he's already feeling karma catching up to him. This verse was minimalistic without being shy on the sauce. timeless - Stylish and it rhymed unconventionally while still working and functioning as an intriguing verse. I thought you jumped around a little too much, not subject-wise, but tonally. The mood was altered in almost every line towards the end. I think that if you reel the reader in, there's no longer any need for rapid criss-cross action to secure their attention. Overall, cool. My vote goes to dead man. It was more to my liking.