WK6: Zen (0-0) vs Storyteller (0-0) -- Zen 6-1

Zen · 11-07-2014, 08:11 PM

We set sail last night following the moon, the palest light,
The Captain wrote, his hands compelled with life.
He dipped his pen inside the inkwell to write,
With the Blue Bird, oh! How I swell with pride.
Janice, my lover, if only you could witness the sea and its glory.
The gulls overhead, and the orange sun greeted us this morning.
A force rang throughout the ship that drug him from his notes.
He fell down onto the cabin floor; the ink slung on his coat.
His quartermaster ran in, “Sir, we’ve run onto the coast.”
The Captain gathered his bearings and ran out onto the deck.
Fog surrounded The Blue Bird. They could find no land out in this mess.
He leaned over the railing to see that a rock had cracked the hull.
Water rushed in rapidly, it seemed it halfway full
The ship began to sink, and The Captain listened at the gulls.
They were different now, they squawked a promise of grace.
All things drift when they’re lost in a haze.

timeless · 11-08-2014, 08:51 AM

Storyteller showed that it's difficult to tell a well-rounded story in 16 lines or less. His tale of a women's pregnancy left open ended questions and a lack of excitement. I didnt understand where the opening tied into the rest, and the Rose bit seemed forced. Great detail though. Zen came with sort of the opposite as his opponent, painting more of a vivid scene. This is a tough one to vote, I think I have to take the seagulls eye contact with the captain over a girl giving birth at home.

V. Zen

11-07-2014, 08:11 PM	#1
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	We set sail last night following the moon, the palest light, The Captain wrote, his hands compelled with life. He dipped his pen inside the inkwell to write, With the Blue Bird, oh! How I swell with pride. Janice, my lover, if only you could witness the sea and its glory. The gulls overhead, and the orange sun greeted us this morning. A force rang throughout the ship that drug him from his notes. He fell down onto the cabin floor; the ink slung on his coat. His quartermaster ran in, “Sir, we’ve run onto the coast.” The Captain gathered his bearings and ran out onto the deck. Fog surrounded The Blue Bird. They could find no land out in this mess. He leaned over the railing to see that a rock had cracked the hull. Water rushed in rapidly, it seemed it halfway full The ship began to sink, and The Captain listened at the gulls. They were different now, they squawked a promise of grace. All things drift when they’re lost in a haze.

11-08-2014, 08:51 AM	#2
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,624 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	Storyteller showed that it's difficult to tell a well-rounded story in 16 lines or less. His tale of a women's pregnancy left open ended questions and a lack of excitement. I didnt understand where the opening tied into the rest, and the Rose bit seemed forced. Great detail though. Zen came with sort of the opposite as his opponent, painting more of a vivid scene. This is a tough one to vote, I think I have to take the seagulls eye contact with the captain over a girl giving birth at home. V. Zen