WK4 : Mike Wrecka(0-0) vs. Zygote(0-0) -- zygote 4-3

Dominate · 10-26-2014, 04:46 PM

zygote - you're easily #1 in terms of creative takes on topics, and this verse didn't disappoint in that department. You injected a consistent and amusing personality to your character through your descriptions of places and events, and the picture you painted of Paris through his eyes fit the picture nicely. Rhyme schemes ranged from just OK in parts to pretty good in others. That wasn't a strength of this verse. But actually I think a more rhyme heavy format may not have suited the tone here anyway. Maybe that was deliberate. I won't say this was piece was great just because I've read other 'reviews' of things with a similar tone that had me literally laughing out loud, where yours didn't. But I was amused the whole way through and very much enjoyed the read. It was good. Solid. Well done.

Mike - you (easily) out-rhymed and out-vocab'd your opponent... but that was about where it ended for me. I think your take on the topic was a bit superficial. The verse was about a suicide, and the themes in the picture were incorporated almost as an afterthought - eg drowning in the Seine river as opposed to any other body of water... the first few lines addressing the skewed perception of the sky/horizon from under water redeemed it slightly. I also have a problem with the method of the suicide. Has anyone ever drowned themselves by jumping into a body of water with something heavy attached to their legs (with 'chains')? They probably have. But you'll grant me that it's a pretty unusual method. I mean, anything heavy enough to pull a person down under water is going to be pretty cumbersome and conspicuous to carry around. I don't know. Maybe your character had a particular fascination with water or some reason for choosing drowning as her(?) way to go. I would've liked to know more about the character in general - 'finally away from Jerome' was the only hint we got about what drove her to suicide. That made me not really care about her and about 3/4 of the way through the verse I was thinking 'stfu and die already you whiny emo peice of shit'.
This seems a bit harsh. More than I meant it to be. I really wasn't digging your character or take on the topic, but your technical writing ability shone through. You're obviously talented, I've just caught you on a bad week re the topic. In my humble opinion.

v/ zygote

10-26-2014, 04:46 PM	#4
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,534 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197460	zygote - you're easily #1 in terms of creative takes on topics, and this verse didn't disappoint in that department. You injected a consistent and amusing personality to your character through your descriptions of places and events, and the picture you painted of Paris through his eyes fit the picture nicely. Rhyme schemes ranged from just OK in parts to pretty good in others. That wasn't a strength of this verse. But actually I think a more rhyme heavy format may not have suited the tone here anyway. Maybe that was deliberate. I won't say this was piece was great just because I've read other 'reviews' of things with a similar tone that had me literally laughing out loud, where yours didn't. But I was amused the whole way through and very much enjoyed the read. It was good. Solid. Well done. Mike - you (easily) out-rhymed and out-vocab'd your opponent... but that was about where it ended for me. I think your take on the topic was a bit superficial. The verse was about a suicide, and the themes in the picture were incorporated almost as an afterthought - eg drowning in the Seine river as opposed to any other body of water... the first few lines addressing the skewed perception of the sky/horizon from under water redeemed it slightly. I also have a problem with the method of the suicide. Has anyone ever drowned themselves by jumping into a body of water with something heavy attached to their legs (with 'chains')? They probably have. But you'll grant me that it's a pretty unusual method. I mean, anything heavy enough to pull a person down under water is going to be pretty cumbersome and conspicuous to carry around. I don't know. Maybe your character had a particular fascination with water or some reason for choosing drowning as her(?) way to go. I would've liked to know more about the character in general - 'finally away from Jerome' was the only hint we got about what drove her to suicide. That made me not really care about her and about 3/4 of the way through the verse I was thinking 'stfu and die already you whiny emo peice of shit'. This seems a bit harsh. More than I meant it to be. I really wasn't digging your character or take on the topic, but your technical writing ability shone through. You're obviously talented, I've just caught you on a bad week re the topic. In my humble opinion. v/ zygote __________________ The Bad Guys