The Rush Of The Koi Fish

Mr. J · 10-23-2014, 06:24 PM

To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth
or open a box of truth and talk to a mirror that talks to you
send prayers like apostles do, to angels in their watchful view
search the world I crossed into, evil reflected mocking you
neither aquatic, your fear grows deep, growth is impossible
you disappear just as your pride as it was bottled too...
leaving you less than logical, even less than knowledgeable
the pros, the cons, the thieves of life are the paths you cross into
I descend deeper into the depths grasping for a beacon of light
searching for a reason of why, this need for seizing of "time"
manipulation has been a human nature since the meaning of life
the mixture appeases the mind, but no answers are even defined
it's hard to understand the idea, yet the questions keep me aligned
keep me "alive", and pushes me in a flow of time deeper than I
mythical in thought, dwelling where the most ancient of creatures reside
treasures of forgotten kings, the castles, achievements of..time
the moment lost in a couple of seconds, my troubled ascendance
I become humble and pressured but never held down just buoyant
the weight of the passage alone would crush an annoyance...

zygote · 10-24-2014, 01:55 AM

You are getting close to a niche here, you could benefit from trying to mix it up a bit. You will often upload a short submission that touches on a lot of different areas while maintaining a good rhyme scheme. Creating a good rhyme scheme is easy for you now. Rhyming at appropriate intervals is easy for you now. Writing in a train of thought style about big questions and the universe and all sorts of other stuff is easy for you now. Your title was "The Rush Of The Koi Fish" I was really excited to open this and read about a fish. Even though you were technically very good, I was disappointed you didn't write about a fish. Even if you didn't want to go all out and write only about a fish the whole way through, you could have tried to better maintain the tone and language in the very first line. "To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth" - the phrase 'divine waters' specifically, it is very Japanese sounding (don't know if that's a stereotype or it's true.) It would have been nice to keep the whole submission with far eastern-words or oriental-tone.

Mr. J · 10-24-2014, 03:58 PM

I see...the koi fish are colorful creatures...in which case I focus on time
a colorful view on the flow of time but not deeper than that
it parallels an odd idea and the shortness of the verse is me strapped for time
I usually have under an hour to do.something this was due.to me not having a league topic

and the blending of all that paints a wonderful picture in my mind

10-23-2014, 06:24 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	The Rush Of The Koi Fish To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth or open a box of truth and talk to a mirror that talks to you send prayers like apostles do, to angels in their watchful view search the world I crossed into, evil reflected mocking you neither aquatic, your fear grows deep, growth is impossible you disappear just as your pride as it was bottled too... leaving you less than logical, even less than knowledgeable the pros, the cons, the thieves of life are the paths you cross into I descend deeper into the depths grasping for a beacon of light searching for a reason of why, this need for seizing of "time" manipulation has been a human nature since the meaning of life the mixture appeases the mind, but no answers are even defined it's hard to understand the idea, yet the questions keep me aligned keep me "alive", and pushes me in a flow of time deeper than I mythical in thought, dwelling where the most ancient of creatures reside treasures of forgotten kings, the castles, achievements of..time the moment lost in a couple of seconds, my troubled ascendance I become humble and pressured but never held down just buoyant the weight of the passage alone would crush an annoyance... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-24-2014, 03:58 PM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	I see...the koi fish are colorful creatures...in which case I focus on time a colorful view on the flow of time but not deeper than that it parallels an odd idea and the shortness of the verse is me strapped for time I usually have under an hour to do.something this was due.to me not having a league topic and the blending of all that paints a wonderful picture in my mind __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-24-2014, 01:55 AM	#2
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	You are getting close to a niche here, you could benefit from trying to mix it up a bit. You will often upload a short submission that touches on a lot of different areas while maintaining a good rhyme scheme. Creating a good rhyme scheme is easy for you now. Rhyming at appropriate intervals is easy for you now. Writing in a train of thought style about big questions and the universe and all sorts of other stuff is easy for you now. Your title was "The Rush Of The Koi Fish" I was really excited to open this and read about a fish. Even though you were technically very good, I was disappointed you didn't write about a fish. Even if you didn't want to go all out and write only about a fish the whole way through, you could have tried to better maintain the tone and language in the very first line. "To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth" - the phrase 'divine waters' specifically, it is very Japanese sounding (don't know if that's a stereotype or it's true.) It would have been nice to keep the whole submission with far eastern-words or oriental-tone.