The Rush Of The Koi Fish

zygote · 10-24-2014, 01:55 AM

You are getting close to a niche here, you could benefit from trying to mix it up a bit. You will often upload a short submission that touches on a lot of different areas while maintaining a good rhyme scheme. Creating a good rhyme scheme is easy for you now. Rhyming at appropriate intervals is easy for you now. Writing in a train of thought style about big questions and the universe and all sorts of other stuff is easy for you now. Your title was "The Rush Of The Koi Fish" I was really excited to open this and read about a fish. Even though you were technically very good, I was disappointed you didn't write about a fish. Even if you didn't want to go all out and write only about a fish the whole way through, you could have tried to better maintain the tone and language in the very first line. "To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth" - the phrase 'divine waters' specifically, it is very Japanese sounding (don't know if that's a stereotype or it's true.) It would have been nice to keep the whole submission with far eastern-words or oriental-tone.

10-24-2014, 01:55 AM	#2
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	You are getting close to a niche here, you could benefit from trying to mix it up a bit. You will often upload a short submission that touches on a lot of different areas while maintaining a good rhyme scheme. Creating a good rhyme scheme is easy for you now. Rhyming at appropriate intervals is easy for you now. Writing in a train of thought style about big questions and the universe and all sorts of other stuff is easy for you now. Your title was "The Rush Of The Koi Fish" I was really excited to open this and read about a fish. Even though you were technically very good, I was disappointed you didn't write about a fish. Even if you didn't want to go all out and write only about a fish the whole way through, you could have tried to better maintain the tone and language in the very first line. "To soak in divine waters and relive my forgotten youth" - the phrase 'divine waters' specifically, it is very Japanese sounding (don't know if that's a stereotype or it's true.) It would have been nice to keep the whole submission with far eastern-words or oriental-tone.