AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Frank (6-0) VS. zygote (5-1) [ZYGOTE WINS, 9-7.]

fenix osiris · 04-07-2013, 12:53 AM

first piece - this was a dope fucking story, it was exceptionally creative. from the first line, i was reading it, and in my head i heard a robotic voice on like a space ship doing like a tour guide or something. this was a very enticing story, with copious amounts of imagery illustrating it very well. it felt subtle at the beginning that it was a robot but as it went on it became more obvious. i loved the story of the extinction of our species and the emotion that was felt there, and that the robot sometimes missed them -that's when i knew for sure in the piece that it was a robot narrator. i enjoyed you diction and vocabulary throughout, but found some words to be repetitive and it stuck out. you had a good use of multis throughout the piece as well. i guess the only major negative i see about this piece are the long lines, i personally feel they throw off the flow, feeling less natural and overall makes the piece feels less structured. but all in all, i thoroughly enjoyed this read.

second piece - i understand why you did it, but i found a lot of the wording to be horrendous. unfortunately, it actually kind of ruined this piece for me. you had a really drawn out well illustrated story and developed the character well. i also felt you had some lines feeling longer than natural.

vote - i thought the second verse technically a better piece, but the wording was like nails on a chalkboard for me and i'm going to give this to the first verse because i don't think it was blown out technically, but it blew out the second verse in enjoyment.

first piece.

04-07-2013, 12:53 AM	#8
fenix osiris Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 58 Battle Record: 1-0 Rep Power: 38	first piece - this was a dope fucking story, it was exceptionally creative. from the first line, i was reading it, and in my head i heard a robotic voice on like a space ship doing like a tour guide or something. this was a very enticing story, with copious amounts of imagery illustrating it very well. it felt subtle at the beginning that it was a robot but as it went on it became more obvious. i loved the story of the extinction of our species and the emotion that was felt there, and that the robot sometimes missed them -that's when i knew for sure in the piece that it was a robot narrator. i enjoyed you diction and vocabulary throughout, but found some words to be repetitive and it stuck out. you had a good use of multis throughout the piece as well. i guess the only major negative i see about this piece are the long lines, i personally feel they throw off the flow, feeling less natural and overall makes the piece feels less structured. but all in all, i thoroughly enjoyed this read. second piece - i understand why you did it, but i found a lot of the wording to be horrendous. unfortunately, it actually kind of ruined this piece for me. you had a really drawn out well illustrated story and developed the character well. i also felt you had some lines feeling longer than natural. vote - i thought the second verse technically a better piece, but the wording was like nails on a chalkboard for me and i'm going to give this to the first verse because i don't think it was blown out technically, but it blew out the second verse in enjoyment. first piece.