W3: PancakeBrah (1-1) vs. Greed (1-1) -- PancakeBrah 4-1

Soulstice · 10-19-2014, 09:19 PM

enjoyable battle

greed - nice flow. kept it the same throughout a la frank. the language was accessible and natural yet the flow was tight. the deranged mindset introduced in the beginning was excellent exposition, kept me wanting to read more to see where this going. however, it proceeded to a rather typical ending. i wanted to see more motivation and interaction, rather than the effects of something to drive the character insane. the hand her a planet line was tight and almost accomplished that by itself. develop the story more, but make sure you are still enjoying what you are writing - evident here with the rhymes and imagery - otherwise how can you expect the reader to enjoy it?

cake - liked this a lot. the last two lines in the main stanza were kinda eh. the memory was focused on a single experience in which other memories were evoked (bottles and flasks, etc.) then you ditch that method of thinking and you start talking about all of sumer. threw me off a bit. but the single, layered, memory was really tight. evocative language that was chosen artfully - it certainly tugged at the right places in a subtle way. the conclusion was good too, vintage cake, imo. although i havent read a lot of your work.

v- cake.
outclassed a fun read by greed.

10-19-2014, 09:19 PM	#1
Soulstice native system Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 387 Battle Record: 18-21 Champed - Short-Verse Topical Rep Power: 4453411	enjoyable battle greed - nice flow. kept it the same throughout a la frank. the language was accessible and natural yet the flow was tight. the deranged mindset introduced in the beginning was excellent exposition, kept me wanting to read more to see where this going. however, it proceeded to a rather typical ending. i wanted to see more motivation and interaction, rather than the effects of something to drive the character insane. the hand her a planet line was tight and almost accomplished that by itself. develop the story more, but make sure you are still enjoying what you are writing - evident here with the rhymes and imagery - otherwise how can you expect the reader to enjoy it? cake - liked this a lot. the last two lines in the main stanza were kinda eh. the memory was focused on a single experience in which other memories were evoked (bottles and flasks, etc.) then you ditch that method of thinking and you start talking about all of sumer. threw me off a bit. but the single, layered, memory was really tight. evocative language that was chosen artfully - it certainly tugged at the right places in a subtle way. the conclusion was good too, vintage cake, imo. although i havent read a lot of your work. v- cake. outclassed a fun read by greed.