W3: Three-Planes-Aligned (0-1) vs. patrown (0-1) -- 3PA Flawless 4-0

Vulgar · 10-19-2014, 02:44 PM

3PA - Technically speaking, you went off here. It was berserk in that way, although I did find the pacing a little dull here. The rhyme schemes, spaciousness and overall use of the topic were stellar. I've read verses from you where I'm being taken on an underground rollercoaster and exposed to whatever deadly minerals flounder in the air, while maintaining an atmosphere of excitement. In this case, the detail was densely focused, but my focus was less acute than normal.

patrown - This was a decent take on the theme, I think you're improving at tackling a time period and a setting confidently. This had moments of nice depiction, for example when you provide a small detail like the sunlight through a sodden roof, it goes a long way in a war story. I thought you might've went further into the background of the man and the woman but you chose to keep it general. Overall, your wording and schemes aren't fully there yet. The cinematographic aspect is there.

My vote goes to 3PA.

10-19-2014, 02:44 PM	#5
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	3PA - Technically speaking, you went off here. It was berserk in that way, although I did find the pacing a little dull here. The rhyme schemes, spaciousness and overall use of the topic were stellar. I've read verses from you where I'm being taken on an underground rollercoaster and exposed to whatever deadly minerals flounder in the air, while maintaining an atmosphere of excitement. In this case, the detail was densely focused, but my focus was less acute than normal. patrown - This was a decent take on the theme, I think you're improving at tackling a time period and a setting confidently. This had moments of nice depiction, for example when you provide a small detail like the sunlight through a sodden roof, it goes a long way in a war story. I thought you might've went further into the background of the man and the woman but you chose to keep it general. Overall, your wording and schemes aren't fully there yet. The cinematographic aspect is there. My vote goes to 3PA.