W3: Three-Planes-Aligned (0-1) vs. patrown (0-1) -- 3PA Flawless 4-0

Certain · 10-19-2014, 01:51 PM

Three-Planes-Aligned: I found myself more engaged by the drug-dealer story line than the Bay of Pigs one, even as a history buff. You tried to do a lot here with the parallel stories, and it worked to a degree, with the transitions between the stories smoothed out by the continued rhyming. But I do think that you could have dialed down on the Bay of Pigs and given us more to fully identify with the characters in the main story line. Part of that is my own familiarity with the Bay of Pigs invasion, which I'm sure other members are less familiar with. I didn't need the back story. The rhyming was, of course, outstanding, and the writing was tight. But what impressed me here was the concept; you hit the topic perfectly and handled it maturely. I just wanted more about John.

asylum: This was really good for something you shot off at the last minute, but it also showed many of the signs of not being fully thought-through. You didn't develop the relationship between Lars (bad name choice, too) and Lisa well enough early on, so that when she first was mentioned it was unclear who she was. That cut into the emotional impact of the ending. You also got a bit generic in the middle section in describing war. Maybe that's because I've never cared much for war movies or writing, but I didn't find that section as impactful as it perhaps could have been. But I liked the natural writer's voice, just telling the story, even as it led to some bumps in the rhyming and occasional awkward turns of phrase. The story was kept clear, which is valued. This battle was much closer than I expected. I just didn't think you did as much, particularly with the topic, as your opponent here.

Vote: Three-Planes-Aligned

10-19-2014, 01:51 PM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Three-Planes-Aligned: I found myself more engaged by the drug-dealer story line than the Bay of Pigs one, even as a history buff. You tried to do a lot here with the parallel stories, and it worked to a degree, with the transitions between the stories smoothed out by the continued rhyming. But I do think that you could have dialed down on the Bay of Pigs and given us more to fully identify with the characters in the main story line. Part of that is my own familiarity with the Bay of Pigs invasion, which I'm sure other members are less familiar with. I didn't need the back story. The rhyming was, of course, outstanding, and the writing was tight. But what impressed me here was the concept; you hit the topic perfectly and handled it maturely. I just wanted more about John. asylum: This was really good for something you shot off at the last minute, but it also showed many of the signs of not being fully thought-through. You didn't develop the relationship between Lars (bad name choice, too) and Lisa well enough early on, so that when she first was mentioned it was unclear who she was. That cut into the emotional impact of the ending. You also got a bit generic in the middle section in describing war. Maybe that's because I've never cared much for war movies or writing, but I didn't find that section as impactful as it perhaps could have been. But I liked the natural writer's voice, just telling the story, even as it led to some bumps in the rhyming and occasional awkward turns of phrase. The story was kept clear, which is valued. This battle was much closer than I expected. I just didn't think you did as much, particularly with the topic, as your opponent here. Vote: Three-Planes-Aligned __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.