on Collective Madness

[dead man]

@Innovator



I've been seeing sounds accumulate like snow in the yard
rippling, like velvet gloves or curtains or scarves
worldwide broken mirage. speaking intrapersonal scars
listening, closely to all of them. they spoke of Descartes
telling me the body is a vessel, a jar
musculoskeletal farce. a legend that we're told as a toddler
so we believe all along. mythical like stones of Gibraltar
psych ward, the overdosage forced in my palm
set me free like raven feathers or a company car
it feels like a migraine when i summon the dark
paint-marker scrawling joker cards like, luck of the draw
we're in the same room but aren't talking, its strange
but we've had a conversation in my brain. walk the plank
you told me it was worthless so i'm thinking the same
reminiscing while predicting what is destined to change
we've discussed the revolution of 3008
one millennium since we've been committed to chains
walking barefooted on the edge of a blade
one side is undecided and the other's a grave
everybody breathing stands for something to gain
but its adaptable for us to trust each other the same
antipsychotic the capsule that you fed me today
eat it like a vulture once your body decays
its a common misconception that we welcome mistakes
tell me of your prophecy and nail me to stakes
i'll forgive your heresy and wish you the best
while snake venom hisses down the back of your neck
close your eyes and see it now. the mattress is wet
theres no sheets. it all smells like apple juice and neglect
Black Sabbath cassette. dinner time from 7-10
they say i'll never feel the dreams here ever again
i believe. i can feel them every evening at dusk
asleep, they possess me like compassionate lust
put us in the same room. let us palaver, discuss
we'll both forget ourselves - what actuality was
they can pad the walls. its camouflage. a mask for a face
there's paradise in powder where perception awakens
where i'm real and independent and courageous and sane
but its molding clay and recollect and paper mache
so let your memory race. rewind, eject and erase
choose to build yourself internally cause everything's fake




DEADMAN

[AndyHiro]

Thanks Black, you don't know how much I really appreciate this.

[dead man]

ur crazy man

[Ghost1]

Originally Posted by dead man

ur crazy man

Leaned.

[big baby]

this piece reeks of big baby advice, am I right? @dead man

[dead man]

why u say that?

[Inno]

Will definitely give this some feed. Sorry for no showing on you bro.

I'll be to give this proper feed.

[zygote]

You have a really strong turn of phrase. I have repeated this comment to you a lot previously, but it still stands here. Using the search function I have just now read about 6 of your previous submissions, this one here is a standout in terms of phrasing. For example, "they spoke of Descartes telling me the body is a vessel, a jar musculoskeletal farce." is a really elegant description of dualism. You will often dress-down or dress-up a well known idea or concept, you present everything in such an interesting fashion. Again, the turn of phrase is the strong point.

Admittedly, one reference was unfamiliar the "we've discussed the revolution of 3008" line. Everything else was clear and super enjoyable to read. Some technical highlights were; the double-simile in the raven feathers or a company car line and the rhyme scheme with "actuality was."

Another area that was very interesting was these two lines in conjunction; "where i'm real and independent and courageous and sane" and its following line "but its molding clay and recollect and paper mache" - I enjoy this direct follow-up because the former is like the ideal self and the latter is the way in which we trick ourselves into believing we are our ideal self or are working towards becoming our ideal self. It seems like you reinforce this with your next two sentences about the 'memory race' (memory is a big part of identity - you emphasize memories that fit within your ideal self) and the delightfully realistic ending "choose to build yourself internally cause everything's fake."

I also enjoyed the mixture of eroticism and death-like imagery in the section beginning with the 'antipsychotic the capsule' line and roughly ending with 'apple juice and neglect' - with the high point of the entire submission feeling like the 'eat it like a vulture' phrase.

[Mr. J]

musculoskeletal farce. a legend that we're told as a toddler
so we believe all along. mythical like stones of Gibraltar
psych ward, the overdosage forced in my palm
set me free like raven feathers or a company car
^^^
this was the start of a very interesting piece that rolled together
I enjoy the multitude of imagery and..dexterity in your rhymes
it blends together so nicely and shows your reason to be loved here
quite an eye catching piece, keep it up my dude

its a common misconception that we welcome mistakes
tell me of your prophecy and nail me to stakes
i'll forgive your heresy and wish you the best
while snake venom hisses down the back of your neck
^^
I enjoyed this near the end too...nice work

[PancakeBrah]

I think this is one of your better pieces. From intrapersonal scars onward, basically. I didn't quite the marker/joker cards line but aside from that everything was very fluid, smooth, like usual. It almost had a narrative to it, some forward momentum, while still being like your other pieces. Just a series of thoughts and images that coalesce into a picture or feeling, tied tightly together with the ending. Wording was top notch, as is the norm from you. I particularly liked the vulture, Descartes, apple juice, actually was, and paper mache couplets, but everything was of high quality. Thanks for the read.

[Spoken]

I'll get to giving this feed soon brotha

[Kin]

Best section to me for some reason...


you told me it was worthless so i'm thinking the same
reminiscing while predicting what is destined to change
we've discussed the revolution of 3008
one millennium since we've been committed to chains

that was smooth!!.. whole piece is a classic tho'... always enjoy what you bringin' out
wording is always mastered!

HoLLa

[Spoken]

Your flow is effortless and I mean every read I get from you its the same and we can expect the delivery to always be the same but I'll tell u the difference. The content and diction in the story at hand told.. u give it transition from u to another to 3rd person easily with enticing metaphors that keep us entertained thru out... u give it a dry run each time in the verse to let us catch the schemes then explode half way thru and just murder the topic and leave nothing left unsaid.

Great read with such ease u hone