Gone. AOWL N/S.

Listen · 10-12-2014, 03:19 PM

Where did it go?

I can’t find you!

Not when you’re pounding the cement and rivaling the sound of my wrist watch,

Listen, listen, she whispers…

Who is she?

I only have half a clue, because the other half is pitch dark,

But thank God for this eye-lid that closes, why isn’t it redundant?
Is it because half of me worries we are fucked; and the other half says fuck it?

Understand the dilemma? I have personalities that are bi-polar,
And my disorder revokes my ownership to one of the owners.
So if you ask me for a story? I would tell you which one…
And if you ever want to be ME? It’s only natural that I say pick one.

You have options… You could be a smart ass or just sans the smart.
But if I’m honest, piano is the wrong class and you would bang the drum.

Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with
And if you seek a joy ride? We can take the road to a different language.

So what’s your fix? Because she whispers and I listen,
While your heart is on the deck, and the tick tock of your heart is the banging drum,
And she is the jamming gun,

Just stay quiet and

Listen, listen,

I am anything you want me to be, diversity is my strength,
Anguish is my gift, released with all its sins.

Do me!

Don’t do me…

Fucked or fuck it…

I am this line,

Feel me as I feed you and...

Watch me vanish.

Certain · 10-13-2014, 11:39 PM

The structure here was a bit out of the ordinary, but it has potential if the content matches. And it didn't seem out of place within what you were going for, but what you were going for wasn't fully realized. There's a lot of potential here, and I'll start with the fact that you came at this topic in a good way and wrote a very focused and committed verse. There were some good concepts, but most of them were buried in clumsy or cliché phrasing. It's difficult to explain sometimes why a turn of phrase seems awkward, but I didn't like the use of "ownership" and "owners" and then later "heart" and "heart" in the same lines. There also were some strange verb choices, such as "tell" instead of "ask" before "which one..." I liked the concept of "personalities that are bi-polar," but you could have brought out the cleverness more with something like "Some (or all) of my personalities are bipolar." The biggest problem that needs to be immediately addressed as you compete in this league is that the rhyming was very weak. Single-syllable slants simply aren't enough to succeed here. But I'm excited to watch where you go from here because I think you have potential.

Listen · 10-14-2014, 01:46 PM

Excellent comments. I completely agree I wrote it in 30 minutes (I was going to no-show). I think you will appreciate my piece this week.

10-12-2014, 03:19 PM	#1
Listen Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 41 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 3760711	Gone. AOWL N/S. Where did it go? I can’t find you! Not when you’re pounding the cement and rivaling the sound of my wrist watch, Listen, listen, she whispers… Who is she? I only have half a clue, because the other half is pitch dark, But thank God for this eye-lid that closes, why isn’t it redundant? Is it because half of me worries we are fucked; and the other half says fuck it? Understand the dilemma? I have personalities that are bi-polar, And my disorder revokes my ownership to one of the owners. So if you ask me for a story? I would tell you which one… And if you ever want to be ME? It’s only natural that I say pick one. You have options… You could be a smart ass or just sans the smart. But if I’m honest, piano is the wrong class and you would bang the drum. Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with And if you seek a joy ride? We can take the road to a different language. So what’s your fix? Because she whispers and I listen, While your heart is on the deck, and the tick tock of your heart is the banging drum, And she is the jamming gun, Just stay quiet and Listen, listen, I am anything you want me to be, diversity is my strength, Anguish is my gift, released with all its sins. Do me! Don’t do me… Fucked or fuck it… I am this line, Feel me as I feed you and... Watch me vanish.

10-13-2014, 11:39 PM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	The structure here was a bit out of the ordinary, but it has potential if the content matches. And it didn't seem out of place within what you were going for, but what you were going for wasn't fully realized. There's a lot of potential here, and I'll start with the fact that you came at this topic in a good way and wrote a very focused and committed verse. There were some good concepts, but most of them were buried in clumsy or cliché phrasing. It's difficult to explain sometimes why a turn of phrase seems awkward, but I didn't like the use of "ownership" and "owners" and then later "heart" and "heart" in the same lines. There also were some strange verb choices, such as "tell" instead of "ask" before "which one..." I liked the concept of "personalities that are bi-polar," but you could have brought out the cleverness more with something like "Some (or all) of my personalities are bipolar." The biggest problem that needs to be immediately addressed as you compete in this league is that the rhyming was very weak. Single-syllable slants simply aren't enough to succeed here. But I'm excited to watch where you go from here because I think you have potential. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

10-14-2014, 01:46 PM	#3
Listen Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 41 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 3760711	Excellent comments. I completely agree I wrote it in 30 minutes (I was going to no-show). I think you will appreciate my piece this week.