WK2 : Patrown(0-0) vs. Unborn(0-0) [UnbornBuddha wins, 5-0.]

[theMuzzl3]

UnbornBuddha:

I like you used Eastern religious philosophy in your post. I had to use google to define a few Names and words. I still could not figure out who Pennyworth is. Your vocabulary is superb. Your frost parts with the conversations and story about Aunglimala and Pennyworth were fun to read, but lacked structure and rhymes. I was about to /v Patrown but after your last two stanzas, I found structure; and the story tied together more so in your own words than in conversations between characters and a story line.

My advice would be to shorten it up. Too many lines had me bored and wanting to just skim it over to get the vote done quickly.


Patrown:

Decent flow of lines, but after reading your previous rhymes, it seems you either have rust or put little time into this. The line "and the world he implored him to explore, but Shane dithered and fumed" confused me. I don't vote on English corrections, but I think that sentence was correct; nonetheless you had run on sentences and too many commas. Semicolons, colons, and periods would help with that.

The story line was good, and the fact that it was short made it very readable. I was just confused at times, when the word "he" was used, I had to decide for myself wither it was Shane or the other guy… or Blue. Also "one passer by" may or may not have been a type-o. The flow of it went well, when I read it fast and to a beat. Not everything rhymed but some things "almost rhymed", and I like that style.

My advice would be to put more time into it and make it slightly longer, with more content and slightly more structure. It feels like you are capable of all of that, but that the time restraint got to you.


This was a close one, and sorry Patrown, but:
/v UnbornBuddha