Week 1: Innovator vs. Dove Dozer [Dove Dozer wins, 8-4.]

Certain · 10-06-2014, 02:05 AM

Innovator: I like the format switch, which seemed to enhance your rhyme mechanics. This verse had a very cool flow to it, more than just in traditional rap cadence. You seemed to have a really clear idea of the metaphor you were going for here, something tying the sounds of a city into music and nature, but you didn't deliver it clearly or crisply. You built imagery off imagery off imagery, but I never got a clear picture. Still, there are some good phrasing moments here. I liked "chimney orchestra" and "we lip sync even in pause." Tying those together with a firmer thread would do you well.

Dove Dozer: Coming off the short-verse tournament and reading something like 60 verses from that, I really enjoyed this submission. Your rhyming was better than I remembered, and you painted a crisp picture of this kingdom. The fourth line felt out of step, as though you realized you couldn't keep the same pace with rhyming and diction of the first three lines. But my big complaint comes in the final couplet, which felt like a lead-in to a bigger story rather than a conclusion of the soldier's plight. Had you worked in more on that soldier and made the ending about him, this would have been a much stronger verse. Still, I liked it enough to vote for it here.

Vote: Dove Dozer

10-06-2014, 02:05 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Innovator: I like the format switch, which seemed to enhance your rhyme mechanics. This verse had a very cool flow to it, more than just in traditional rap cadence. You seemed to have a really clear idea of the metaphor you were going for here, something tying the sounds of a city into music and nature, but you didn't deliver it clearly or crisply. You built imagery off imagery off imagery, but I never got a clear picture. Still, there are some good phrasing moments here. I liked "chimney orchestra" and "we lip sync even in pause." Tying those together with a firmer thread would do you well. Dove Dozer: Coming off the short-verse tournament and reading something like 60 verses from that, I really enjoyed this submission. Your rhyming was better than I remembered, and you painted a crisp picture of this kingdom. The fourth line felt out of step, as though you realized you couldn't keep the same pace with rhyming and diction of the first three lines. But my big complaint comes in the final couplet, which felt like a lead-in to a bigger story rather than a conclusion of the soldier's plight. Had you worked in more on that soldier and made the ending about him, this would have been a much stronger verse. Still, I liked it enough to vote for it here. Vote: Dove Dozer __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.