Week 1: Timeless vs. Mr. J [Mr. J wins, 7-2.]

[kannon]

Timeless. I'm no stranger to slant rhymes. I'm used to writing for audio, so I can always bend my words if I need to. But I see no way to make "I" rhyme with "God." I felt like this was a little scatter-brained. It just kinda lacked a bit of cohesion. Also, some of the phrasing seemed a bit forced. It seemed as though you were referencing a succubus of sorts, but in the end it seems to be just a drunk floozy. Um, I mean, overall, I kinda don't know what really was accomplished in this piece. I had a hard time working out what perspective the story was being told from. In the first stanza, it seemed to all be in third person with all the She's and They's, but then towards the end there were lots of I's and You's. But mainly, I don't know that much was developed here. I didn't feel connected to anything while I read it, which kinda left the piece feeling a bit empty in the end.

Mr. J. Immediately, I like the flow. "accountable for blame" sounds a bit weird though. I also kind of don't like that you keep saying "YOU" as if you're talking to the reader. The whole thing sounds like you are literally accusing me of raping a small child. Which I don't appreciate. The rhymes seemed a bit basic in places, but overall, the message was delivered pretty clear. Until the last bar; the last bar doesn't make much sense to me. Life is a serial killer, so you're gonna kill life? Overall, it could definitely use some polishing, but considering the verse you were up against, the completeness of your verse will put you with a leg up.

Vote is for Mr. J