Week 1: Timeless vs. Mr. J [Mr. J wins, 7-2.]

YDK · 10-05-2014, 10:24 PM

Timeless I thought you have improved a ton especially rhyme scheme wise since the first pieces I remember reading from you. The wording issues seem to be your biggest challenge as is mine, but you have improved there also, this piece was cool. There seemed to be an attempt at a story at first then kinda went into a rant then it ended talking to a girl. It needed more glue to put everything together because individually the lines were cool but seemed too unorganized for a fluid piece.
J you had a cool piece too. I was a lil thrown off when I read the pedofile line but after the reveal line and a second read I saw the revenge aspect an it made it a stronger piece. Flow was smooth as usual, just a solid drop.
Good job fellas strong battle here but I gotta go with Mr j this week for my vote

10-05-2014, 10:24 PM	#8
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Timeless I thought you have improved a ton especially rhyme scheme wise since the first pieces I remember reading from you. The wording issues seem to be your biggest challenge as is mine, but you have improved there also, this piece was cool. There seemed to be an attempt at a story at first then kinda went into a rant then it ended talking to a girl. It needed more glue to put everything together because individually the lines were cool but seemed too unorganized for a fluid piece. J you had a cool piece too. I was a lil thrown off when I read the pedofile line but after the reveal line and a second read I saw the revenge aspect an it made it a stronger piece. Flow was smooth as usual, just a solid drop. Good job fellas strong battle here but I gotta go with Mr j this week for my vote __________________