Connected

[Split]

Def fed this before when it dropped, I remember the match. Will probably give better feed now though.

Originally Posted by Pent uP

[dis]Connected

Flickering hues lit all the room: their faces and walls.
They complacently call eachother names like 'babe' that evolved
throughout the years, loud and clear, from the faith they installed
escaping the faults that's made them elated, enthralled,
entangled and caught.

No complaints with the rhyme scheme or the flow. It really ebbed and flowed, almost like a Pancake verse but more structured. Thought your word choice was too aloof and developed faster than the opening of a verse should. However jumping right into the thick of things can be indicative of really inspired writing, and I just mean that it was like an avalanche of detail right off the bat.

They're so close - in separated realms.
Thumbs thumbing the screen - drum thumping machines messaging their friends.
No leverage to their heads: they're glued like Texans to their pelt -

Didn't like Texans to their pelt or separated realms. Both those ideas/ phrases are good, but the heavy line in-between made the rhyme seem like an afterthought, and "Texans to their pelt" is decidedly off-canter in comparison to the tightly-themed wording in the rest of the verse.

connected in themselves through a cybernetically embedded
skeleton and shell electrically developed between the screen and their eye.
He's feeling sublime, on the couch, reading the lies -
completely online with the The Onion, Wikimedia, Chive.
Their only hope is he notices when she stretches her cheeks in a smile.

"lies" was dumb, first two lines had fantastic delivery. Lot of pack to the punch. I like the last two lines a lot as well, bringing in your own tone.

'Fuzzies' are made from the seat to his side: she's on the love-seat adjacent.
By herself, trying to buy herself scrunchies and bracelets.
Munching on Lay chips - drowning their puppy's engagement
with the crunch that they're making. Neither drunk nor complacent,
just stuck in the stages between ready to squab and getting along.
A connection is lost - closest they come is petting the dog.

'puppy's engagement' forced. Drunk nor complacent, cool. LCD Soundsytem fan?

Like how you used the dog, symbolically.

Friends and their job are never questioned a lot
but scenarios of settling are apprehensively thought.
The consensus is not spoken of - consider it sacred -
Tablets zip-tying faces until lips are strung by the digital matrix.
Pixels equate with pleading the fifth in arraignments:
and their eyes are drawn with a hint of dumb blankness.

Their principles make it and the tribulations harder than war.
Locked in their corners - their bodies are corpses - this the modern rapport.
Said to be lovers but dead to eachother through hearts they adore:
they're starving for more on the ground obstacle floor.
As problems are formed they progress their connection to the glow -

Solid. No comments of note.

The rhetoric is old - one that everybody knows:
The further they're getting in their home, the more pressure on their souls.
Lessening control until everything goes to hell and it explodes.
Love assembled by the oafs - setting it in stone and ruining their hearts.
Visualized, digitized, minimized and consuming all the charge.
Brooding is an art that Photoshop embellished for the truly Avant-garde;
If any of this applies to you, you've been doomed right from the start.

Thought that the 'rhetoric is old' bit and the following two or three lines was a bit contrived, but this was otherwise a solid ending to a solid verse.


Commendable job of staying very focused for a lot of lines. The content was fresh throughout, and while I always prefer to read your newer stuff I get that each verse is a labor itself for you. Like the guy that rolls the best J he can, and nurses it as it gets passed around the room, tryna make sure that everyone gets good hits and that his roll job stays together. Crafted. Genuinely cares about what others think of his work, which is a great, underrated quality as a writer. The guy who does it for others, not just himself.

Great verse, Pent.