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10-04-2014, 12:32 AM
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#6 | ||
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: on the couch
Posts: 842
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timeless:
I think the creativity was good. The structure was good. The content I had questioned, but its an artist's viewpoint, interpreting the picture. I respect that. My favorite lines were: Quote:
It seemed you went astray a few times and came back to the point. I didn't particularly like the last line, and felt that some lines were kind of forced to fit within the structure and storyline. (Not docking points due to grammatical errors as this is poetry & AOWL). Not dissing your linguistics, I had to look up a few words; but as far as grammatical errors/suggestions for fixes: "succor" is either a verb or noun, didn't fit grammatically into that sentence. It could have been "succoring". Also, "Lost" should have been "Loss". I'm going to stop here on suggestions of correcting grammar, because they obviously don't matter that much. Over all, I give this a 7/10… based on creativity and structure. Grammar would have dropped it lower. Mr. J Your lines were very creative and direct. Fairly well constructed, as well. The last few lines kind of lost me (as far as relating to the picture at all -- even metaphorically speaking), but the last line that referred to Dexter was a good last line to tie that together. I don't know how that tied the storyline about Mary, though. Not sure what the line about looking inside bottles of Clorox and a bag full of surprises implied. Constructive criticism: using "the fact" to start to lines in a row isn't ideal IMO. Stick with one storyline and if you stray from it, bring it back to the subject that you first were implying. Of course, its all open to interpretation, so I could be completely wrong. Grammar: (comma in between "forgiveness, and a wolf". Over all: 7.5/10 /v Mr._J
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