AOWL Week 7: Split (3-2) vs. IAmBenT (2-1) [IAMBENT WINS, 6-2.]

Vulgar · 04-02-2013, 08:08 PM

Split Eight - Cool approach to this "is this it?" memoir of an uneventful marriage that eventually expires like so many do in the modern institutions of Societal Life. You have a knack for combing emotional currents into your verse, but on the flipside sometimes it can be a bit bland. I think invigoration is a key recipe missing in your development chamber and when you find it and gouge it out, feel it for what it is and start to utilize it, your pieces focused on human conditions such as loneliness, disappointment and even nostalgia will be much more effective. There was something monotonous to this everyday tale that read as though someone had written it in a hospital lobby, and not the porch of a windy cafe on a dreary day. Too sanitized maybe; homely scents and fixtures might have been preferred, tbh.

IamBent - Skilled writer, you are. This is one of those types of reads that reminds me of watching a movie that I recognize as a quality flick but I didn't completely like it. This one didn't really convince me enough that these characters had motives and the father was portrayed very vaguely, IMO, considering he was the central villain of the whole parenthood situation. The mother was too but I expected more influence from him in the verse. What I mean by it wasn't convincing is that lines like 'A debutant is what THEY aren't' - I don't think I could imagine a mother saying something like this, it's just too strangely worded of a statement. Considering she buys Louis Vuitton merchandise, one can also assume that she doesn't know vocabulary terms like debutant, but rather terms like Kardashian and Gerber apple sauce. Again, this is one of those times where I thought the writing was solid but I felt little connection to the storyboard contents of your work. I read this, went and played a game of basketball, read it again and reached the same opinion on it.

Vote - Split

I liked it more.

04-02-2013, 08:08 PM	#13
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Split Eight - Cool approach to this "is this it?" memoir of an uneventful marriage that eventually expires like so many do in the modern institutions of Societal Life. You have a knack for combing emotional currents into your verse, but on the flipside sometimes it can be a bit bland. I think invigoration is a key recipe missing in your development chamber and when you find it and gouge it out, feel it for what it is and start to utilize it, your pieces focused on human conditions such as loneliness, disappointment and even nostalgia will be much more effective. There was something monotonous to this everyday tale that read as though someone had written it in a hospital lobby, and not the porch of a windy cafe on a dreary day. Too sanitized maybe; homely scents and fixtures might have been preferred, tbh. IamBent - Skilled writer, you are. This is one of those types of reads that reminds me of watching a movie that I recognize as a quality flick but I didn't completely like it. This one didn't really convince me enough that these characters had motives and the father was portrayed very vaguely, IMO, considering he was the central villain of the whole parenthood situation. The mother was too but I expected more influence from him in the verse. What I mean by it wasn't convincing is that lines like 'A debutant is what THEY aren't' - I don't think I could imagine a mother saying something like this, it's just too strangely worded of a statement. Considering she buys Louis Vuitton merchandise, one can also assume that she doesn't know vocabulary terms like debutant, but rather terms like Kardashian and Gerber apple sauce. Again, this is one of those times where I thought the writing was solid but I felt little connection to the storyboard contents of your work. I read this, went and played a game of basketball, read it again and reached the same opinion on it. Vote - Split I liked it more.