Round 2: 3. Split vs. R. Cormier \\ Split wins 4-3

oats · 09-06-2014, 09:47 AM

Cormier: I love Office Space, as anyone who has ever spent time working in an office probably does. Writing a journal entry from milton worked well for the topic, and is a clever contrivance no doubt. here's my beef though. I didn't get much from your verse other than a straightforward retelling of what the character did in the movie. yes, it was an internal monologue here, but there was nothing new within the verse. in that regard, it just fell flat to me. your writing was strong, but there wasn't a strong enough identity to the verse, so to speak, other than the cribbing of a well-known character. With a more unique twist or infusion of humor, you possibly could have pulled it off. But this came off as plain to me.

Split: you took a risk with the structure here, as I'm sure you're aware. At times, it worked - the first 3-4 lines was an intricate weaving of rhymes. But afterwards, I struggled to discern any rhyme, and I don't like that. As a free verse style poem, great. But I do value strong rhymes in this format, as it is a hip-hop site and a variance of a hip-hop style competition. So that's that.

The story was exceptional, though. The metaphoric musing of being a cuckold worked well here, and your naturalist descriptions of aurora borealis, barren earth etc really complimented the story. You implied a pretty fleshed out backdrop to the story with carefully crafted details - newjacks and vets alike can learn from that.

Vote: While I did enjoy Cormier's verse, I think Split executed well on a far more ambitious approach. Dope battle to both.

Eŋg · 09-08-2014, 01:14 AM

DC - i'm not sure what i've taken from this verse, but i'm confident little to none of it was negative. idk. i don't know who Milton Waddams is, so i'm probably missing a trick and putting you at a natural disadvantage, but i can at least judge the verse on individual merit. in theory. the emotion of your character was somewhat felt, i barely pieced together his motivation. the writing itself was a touch stiff and not particularly tasty. by no means a bad verse, though.

splitty - i attempted economy, unconsciously, with my verse of the first round, but in retrospect probably said too much. this was probably the briefest verse i've read yet, feeling almost like a thoughtful scrawl on the inside of a binder that, given time, could flourish into something fully-fleshed and warranting bite-marks. the nascent verse still weighed a few ounces, though. light display/wife would make was really very well done. more direct writing interspersed by 'poetic' abstractions mixed for a cool recipe. this was a bit bare bones, tbh, but there was enough to chew on. barely.

v/split

09-06-2014, 09:47 AM	#1
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Cormier: I love Office Space, as anyone who has ever spent time working in an office probably does. Writing a journal entry from milton worked well for the topic, and is a clever contrivance no doubt. here's my beef though. I didn't get much from your verse other than a straightforward retelling of what the character did in the movie. yes, it was an internal monologue here, but there was nothing new within the verse. in that regard, it just fell flat to me. your writing was strong, but there wasn't a strong enough identity to the verse, so to speak, other than the cribbing of a well-known character. With a more unique twist or infusion of humor, you possibly could have pulled it off. But this came off as plain to me. Split: you took a risk with the structure here, as I'm sure you're aware. At times, it worked - the first 3-4 lines was an intricate weaving of rhymes. But afterwards, I struggled to discern any rhyme, and I don't like that. As a free verse style poem, great. But I do value strong rhymes in this format, as it is a hip-hop site and a variance of a hip-hop style competition. So that's that. The story was exceptional, though. The metaphoric musing of being a cuckold worked well here, and your naturalist descriptions of aurora borealis, barren earth etc really complimented the story. You implied a pretty fleshed out backdrop to the story with carefully crafted details - newjacks and vets alike can learn from that. Vote: While I did enjoy Cormier's verse, I think Split executed well on a far more ambitious approach. Dope battle to both. __________________ You should be water

09-08-2014, 01:14 AM	#2
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	DC - i'm not sure what i've taken from this verse, but i'm confident little to none of it was negative. idk. i don't know who Milton Waddams is, so i'm probably missing a trick and putting you at a natural disadvantage, but i can at least judge the verse on individual merit. in theory. the emotion of your character was somewhat felt, i barely pieced together his motivation. the writing itself was a touch stiff and not particularly tasty. by no means a bad verse, though. splitty - i attempted economy, unconsciously, with my verse of the first round, but in retrospect probably said too much. this was probably the briefest verse i've read yet, feeling almost like a thoughtful scrawl on the inside of a binder that, given time, could flourish into something fully-fleshed and warranting bite-marks. the nascent verse still weighed a few ounces, though. light display/wife would make was really very well done. more direct writing interspersed by 'poetic' abstractions mixed for a cool recipe. this was a bit bare bones, tbh, but there was enough to chew on. barely. v/split