Witnessing serpents. (By Witty and Certain)

[Lucos]

Originally Posted by Certain

There's only darkness.
Periorbital coils terraforming my face.
The stereo's on. Cliff Burton, tearing chords on the bass.
Death metal brings life to this gloaming.
Striking a tone in my serotonin. Pulsating break beats
that we convulse to. Rain bleeds down the glass,
a mirror into your undulating nape's crease.
Eyes shut.
Aluminum taste creeps onto the tip of my tongue.
Dripping with rum, we're better off skipping the rungs
and falling flat on our faces, swollen from restlessness.
Absolved through our penitence, sorrow and reverence,
but we'll never sleep tight with tomorrow's experiment.

I've read all the text of Jesus, does God possess the thesis?
Or does one hypocritical verse mean all the rest is specious?
Insomnia releases me from the matrix
But makes me wonder out loud if the code's real
I know I can dodge the bullet
But still sweat drips from my brow to the cold steel
He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed
Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold
That decays my bones, feeling much older than my age
In real life I'm quiet, I'm much bolder on the page
Crippled by the weight on my shoulders from the rage
As I beg my mind to readjust....now here goes another phase
I change addictions like underwear, addicted to nothing but addiction itself
In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf
Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!
I feel like a prisoner but the prison's in stealth
Only I know it exists, it's only me who sits in these cells
All because a bitch told me she'd be with me in sickness and health
And then taught me that people really only think of themselves
Insomnia speaks to me, he tells me she cheated me, he is my only friend
I have to stay awake, because together we will never be alone again.

Embers bleed. Coals repent. The fire speaks to lonely men.
Retired, weakened. Lies and preaching.
Wires weaken, fold and bend,
but this marionette remains high-strung and tightly wound.
I'm lost. I might be found. But it won't be by a righteous crowd.
It won't be by a burning bush. First we took the light from town,
then we walked along the path, jotting every sight and sound.
But nothing ever mattered.
Nothing but your broken promises.
You dust me off with top-button scoffs and cold-shoulder politics.
Kisses soaked in collagen. Dismissive, but I fled before it.
The sun rose. The chain bridge crossed the river to a better morning.

as someone who rarely comes here, i dont know which writer is which. im ignoring whatever other people wrote on this........


first verse, vocabulary by line 2 has me interested, periorbital is a word you dont hear often.. nothing to say about the flow, you know its good. flow reminds me of someone i know, fuck if i know who. good syllable use its not your average 3-4 bullshit. dont know anythin about metal music but i get the verse because it can be easily transferred to a hiphop verse. fuck if i know what advice to give. it was decent, not eyecatching though, could be longer i guess, and with a little more ummph.. sounds like something that would be great in an audio/studio track.

verse 2/main

little more introspective from the off, but at the same time at minimum the first 4 or so bars, seem cliche.. maybe thats just my experience with reading text/listening to tracks.. its not on me though its preference i guess.. i've been in that frame of mind, just feel like the wording could be a little better, im sure with a little more effort you could have made it bar-for-bar better.

He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed
Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold

this was so sick. you dont need advice on that. why isnt the intro like this?

thats literally the only gripe i have with half the verse.. you could have caught my interest in 2 bars rather than 6.
again though, afterwards it started to feel, lacklustre. you had me so interested then lost it. really fluid rhyme scheme and idea but i dunno, wording maybe after those bars seemed like it could have been improved.
personal preference or laziness, thats on you to decide i dunno but those bars should have carried on in that kind of fluidity with the kind of dismay/idea you were attempting to portray in the verse

3rd half verse i guess..

flow on the opening is perfect. really nice. theres a certain point where i personally would have flipped the scheme slightly but its just my style.
like the lightly wound/righteous crowd. i might have thrown the other rhyme in "lonely men" as a flipside but its clutching straws, i like the content, and the flow.. just if i heard it on a record it would sound better to me with that scheme thrown in.. i dunno bout this verse, seems kind of simple. it flows ok, sounds ok, content is ok. but it doesnt catch my interest. thats all i can say about it. something is missing, its on you to discover what that component is. dont be discouraged by this post you got the skill just need, i guess, the spark of inspiration