Round 1: 1. El Pancake vs. R. Innovator \\ El Pancake wins 8-0

oats · 08-30-2014, 11:04 PM

innovator impressed me here. Those last three lines were excellent, it painted a beautiful image of being lost. My beef is that there were a handful of instances of clunky wording and rhyming, and the verse was planted in generality. That type of hazy focus can work if you stuck to the metaphorical imagery like those last three lines, cuz then you don't have to justify anything aside from the metaphor. But how it is now, it's good, but leaves me (the reader) a little too much at arm's length to fully appreciate it. Still, a really good showing overall.

Cake had an immediately noticeable advantage in language and rhyming, much cleaner writing. I personally vibe with the disillusionment of the underachiever, which I think was a good direction for being lost (loved the fait accompli/lost when you're free line).

Innovator made this one competitive, but I think Pancake takes the W for a higher grade of writing and a more complete conveyance of the topic. good shit to both

08-30-2014, 11:04 PM	#4
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	innovator impressed me here. Those last three lines were excellent, it painted a beautiful image of being lost. My beef is that there were a handful of instances of clunky wording and rhyming, and the verse was planted in generality. That type of hazy focus can work if you stuck to the metaphorical imagery like those last three lines, cuz then you don't have to justify anything aside from the metaphor. But how it is now, it's good, but leaves me (the reader) a little too much at arm's length to fully appreciate it. Still, a really good showing overall. Cake had an immediately noticeable advantage in language and rhyming, much cleaner writing. I personally vibe with the disillusionment of the underachiever, which I think was a good direction for being lost (loved the fait accompli/lost when you're free line). Innovator made this one competitive, but I think Pancake takes the W for a higher grade of writing and a more complete conveyance of the topic. good shit to both __________________ You should be water