Thinner

[Eŋg]

Bereft, better days where I mention escape,
intention is great:
fail to follow through and momentum's erased.
Kinetic, contained - my method is flames
burning protests, white picketing fences again.
Ain't no revolution if the system you rend
draws a line to tell you where it's meant to begin,
I left you a pin, the grenade's in our locket, if
I'm late for dinner we can feign it's apocalypse.
Say little to lovers unless straight upon their lips,
stoic, a poet, but know the nature of my problem is
rooted in time I was a latent and harmless kid;
impatient but positive. Before ancient armour slid
across the limbs to betray prerogative,
blind to what the face of my father hid
- a mage with his parlour tricks made me apologist.
I may be a part of it if I stayed in the darker pits
of my mind. But strain through the loss and give
the remains of our carcasses to any who'd love you
till scent of your buds bloom and strength isn't subdued.
Pennies that punch through
the membrane's touch prove the pen isn't untrue.
Untrue?
Truth is honestly a cute anomaly used so sparingly,
youth has bothered me, since it left these bones,
cold speaks to leave its simple presence known
as my prints impress the snow. Hair is thinner.
Good thing I'm fond of the air in winter.

[DexLabb]

empty hollow words that happen to rhyme together. its like u focus on the couplets more than what ur saying. ur not sayen anything ever man. ur sayin too much... focus on making a shocking statement that pushes against the grain and makes people think

[CopyPat]

@El Pancake
really good man. dead man jr jr. @Split eight
this started in cypher i think? then u polished it?
dope read. smooth as F.
content seemed dullboyish sorta
ur good.
@El Pancake

[Kin]

2 favorite parts
the grenade line
and
blind to what the face of my father hid
^^^ that ones crazy

dope rhyme scheme...this was all nice...nothin' to critique you know what ya doin' an you doin' it well...

good writer right here

HoLLa

[Exis]

I was told Pancake and Ox be the same dude...myth? I sure as fuck hope so.

[oats]

You're one of my favorite writers on any site tbh. It's like these words always existed in the trunk of human experience and you carve them into this shape. That's the best way I can think to describe your style, very unique despite the frequent comparisons to others.

There are moments of tremendous insight and perspective - the systems you rend/meant to begin stands out. Blind to what the face of your father hid was great. The scars of life hidden in a man. Brilliant. I thought this was a fresh rumination on aging, and the end line couldn't have been better (though reminiscent of the Frozen song a bit). If anything, I'd like to see you focus your writing a bit more and ground yourself more singularly. These verses are great, but can leave some readers in the cold at the same time. Dope shit as usual.

[theMuzzl3]

i dig it, I could read your words more closely and spit a response to it (if you please).

[Split]

advance apology for my lazy style of feedback

Originally Posted by Eŋg

Bereft, better days where I mention escape,
Intention is great:
Fail to follow through and momentum's erased.
Kinetic, contained - my method is flames
Kinetic/momentum/ fail to follow through/ escape was awesome imo.
burning protests, white picketing fences again.
Ain't no revolution if the system you rend
draws a line to tell you where it's meant to begin,
I left you a pin, the grenade's in our locket, if
I'm late for dinner we can feign it's apocalypse.
Really cool rhyme scheme right here.
Say little to lovers unless straight upon their lips,
Stoic, a poet, but know the nature of my problem is
rooted in time I was: impatient, but positive;
A latent and harmless kid. Before ancient armour slid
across the limbs to betray prerogative,
Blind to what the face of my father hid,
nice. Ancient armor was cool imagery. is that fiction writing?
A mage with his parlour tricks made me apologist.
lost me on this line. Cant think right now, I'm too stupid.
I may be a part of it if I stayed in the darker pits
of my mind. But strain through the loss and give
enjoyed how you bleed this scheme
the remains of our carcasses to any who'd love you
till scent of your buds grew.
Pennies that punch through
the membrane's touch prove the pen isn't untrue.
Untrue?
Truth is honestly a cute anomaly used so sparingly,
Youth has bothered me, since it left these bones,
Cold speaks to leave its simple presence known
as my prints impress the snow. Hair is thinner,
Good thing I'm fond of the air in winter.

Bodybag LOTB ending

Not being sarcastic at the end, btw. really liked how you concluded.

Great wording and flow and all that. (I'll come back to this)

I still owe you a full, proper breakdown. I kinda owe like three or four people proper breakdowns, still.

[Certain]

This verse felt a bit like a free-associated stream of consciousness, and it worked for the most part. There were a few good one-liners, though it lacked that cohesion of "pulse." I wish you would be a bit more consistent with your punctuation, not because I expect it from anyone on these sites but because I expect it specifically from you. You capitalized the starts of some lines that came after commas. You skipped a few periods. I don't know. I know you know the grammar expectations, so I look for that.

Occasionally, I stumbled at some of the transitions. These three lines really didn't connect at all for me:

I'm late for dinner we can feign it's apocalypse.
Say little to lovers unless straight upon their lips,
Stoic, a poet,

I liked that second line quite a bit, but I don't see how it fits. It almost felt like something you'd wanted to write for a while and simply added in there. I also wasn't a big fan of "A mage with his parlour tricks made me apologist" or "Before ancient armour slid." Both were fun rhymes and turns of phrase that threw off the flow of the writing. (In this sense, I don't mean cadence.)

But I liked the closer quite a bit.

[PancakeBrah]

Originally Posted by Exis

I was told Pancake and Ox be the same dude...myth? I sure as fuck hope so.

Explain this to me.

[Certain]

@El Pancake, Exis operates on his own sense of the world. He recently told me that I don't contribute enough to this board.

[Eŋg]

Originally Posted by CopyPat

@El Pancake
really good man. dead man jr jr. @Split eight
this started in cypher i think? then u polished it?
dope read. smooth as F.
content seemed dullboyish sorta
ur good.
@El Pancake

Originally Posted by Exis

I was told Pancake and Ox be the same dude...myth? I sure as fuck hope so.

I, uhm... what?

Originally Posted by Certain

You capitalized the starts of some lines that came after commas.

My phone did. I hit shift only to undo capitalization (if I insisted on a run-on). It was a bit capricious. I never write on my phone.

Thanks to those who fed - will return.

[CopyPat]

sorry for the confusion. no the feed was @Eŋg. pancake just randomly @'s me so i returned the favor

[e11even]

This was pretty cool. You managed abstract and buttery and somewhat accessible... almost perfect as far as having a power packed verse. I fucking hate this swipe keyboard ugh. Anyways dope showing. I used to read you on 1.0 when I was ba re ely into topicals here and enjoyed you then. It hasn't changed.


That is if the other account was indeed you.

[Eŋg]

@Vividlyvague English/Ving Rhymes?

Each of you who've fed will have feedback tomorrow, as thanks, I guess.

[Scripter]

I thought the piece was well structured and had a pretty good story line.

My favorite part was
"Truth is honestly a cute anomaly used so sparingly,
youth has bothered me, since it left these bones,
cold speaks to leave its simple presence known
as my prints impress the snow. Hair is thinner.
Good thing I'm fond of the air in winter."

I don't know what some people were saying... it makes perfect sense to me. Your getting older...

[dead man]

Ain't no revolution if the system you rend
draws a line to tell you where it's meant to begin

das a whopper.

I left you a pin, the grenade's in our locket

it's the simple things that get me.

stoic, a poet, but know the nature of my problem is
rooted in time I was a latent and harmless kid;

seems like an oversimplification also a bit.. i dunno.. dare i say corny?

blind to what the face of my father hid

"stand true, and never forget the face of your father." -- Roland Deschain

the remains of our carcasses to any who'd love you
till scent of your buds bloom and strength isn't subdued.
Pennies that punch through

this felt a bit crooked to me. a bit too much for me to vibe with it.

this felt like one big ode to the Freudian fallback. after letting it sink i can appreciate your linguistic slant on it. it seems a bit abrasive at first as someone who usually prefers a more subtle point of reference but well done old chap.

winter is coming?


thanks


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