The Warlord (unfinished topical)

[Dove Dozer]

Just some ideas I was running with for a topical that went unfinished due to a family emergency. I might finish this yet.


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Just his presence could curse the dirt, sun and the flowers
spreading fear that can circle the earth in under an hour.
Whats worse, you'll never quench his thirst.....

because of his hunger for power.

These are my accounts of a manical rise of a beast.
A tyrant who hides in the streets, and thrives on lies and deceipt.
A war-torn warlord adorned with hoards of horses,
plenty of swordsmen to forfeit. Evil? He's morbid.
He scours the land for battle, overpowering man and cattle.
Rise against him? Face death or wind up bound with hands in shackles.


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[Zen]

What up NG? Good to see you back. And honestly I'd recommend you finish this. Pretty epic little short piece forreal. I would quote my favorite lines but it's all good man. Welcome back.

[Nigma]

Some neat concepts. Only part I didn't like was "He scours the land for battle, overpowering man and cattle."
First half the line was very promising, the second half fell way short.

[Dove Dozer]

Originally Posted by Nigma

Some neat concepts. Only part I didn't like was "He scours the land for battle, overpowering man and cattle."
First half the line was very promising, the second half fell way short.

thanks for the feed @ZenLand @Nigma

Im gonna tweak this and finish it. I just need time to clear my head right now.

[Lars]

Hmmmm...

Personally I didn't like the line break for "because of his hunger for power."

I see WHY you did, for emphasis/delivery or whatever you textcees want to call it, but for some reason that line just reads awkward to me. It would probably sound better rapped out loud than it reads in that respect.

A tyrant who hides in the streets, and thrives on lies and deceipt.

Thought that line would read better without the comma, I see again why you do it, so people will get the multies, but there is honestly not many of us that would read that line and not get what you did. We've all been around far too long.

That probably makes me sound like a hypocrite because I overdid that shit when I wrote, but I guess as I've got older I've learned that what people were telling me was correct and I've stopped doing it now.

I agree with Nigma on that last couplet, generally I try to steer away from ending rhymes on cattle/battle/ anyway because there just aren't that many that go with it, I always try to find something else instead, but that's more a personal thing.

This wasn't bad at all, I just feel you'll improve more if I point out what I didn't like, you've done this long enough to know what you did well in here.

Finish it up and i'll read.

War-torn warlord I didn't like either, hate using the same word in a multi like that, especially with it being that close together it makes it all the more obvious what you did. Just a minor thing but big enough for me to notice and point it out. I haven't had breakfast this morning, I'm grouchy, ignore me.

Keep that pen moving!

[Geno]

This could be dope. Has a good base already.. nice build up to a lethal character/storyline or maybe even just a raw flex type of pece. Hoopefully you finish it. Ii think you could go in a million directions with this if you really wanted to. Can't complain about the mechanics.. rolls off the toungue pretty nicely. Keep writing

[Dove Dozer]

Originally Posted by Lars

Hmmmm...

Personally I didn't like the line break for "because of his hunger for power."

I see WHY you did, for emphasis/delivery or whatever you textcees want to call it, but for some reason that line just reads awkward to me. It would probably sound better rapped out loud than it reads in that respect.

A tyrant who hides in the streets, and thrives on lies and deceipt.

Thought that line would read better without the comma, I see again why you do it, so people will get the multies, but there is honestly not many of us that would read that line and not get what you did. We've all been around far too long.

That probably makes me sound like a hypocrite because I overdid that shit when I wrote, but I guess as I've got older I've learned that what people were telling me was correct and I've stopped doing it now.

I agree with Nigma on that last couplet, generally I try to steer away from ending rhymes on cattle/battle/ anyway because there just aren't that many that go with it, I always try to find something else instead, but that's more a personal thing.

This wasn't bad at all, I just feel you'll improve more if I point out what I didn't like, you've done this long enough to know what you did well in here.

Finish it up and i'll read.

War-torn warlord I didn't like either, hate using the same word in a multi like that, especially with it being that close together it makes it all the more obvious what you did. Just a minor thing but big enough for me to notice and point it out. I haven't had breakfast this morning, I'm grouchy, ignore me.

Keep that pen moving!

Stellar feedback lars. I highly appreciate that. Ima tweak this up and finish. Thx

[Dove Dozer]

Originally Posted by Genocide

This could be dope. Has a good base already.. nice build up to a lethal character/storyline or maybe even just a raw flex type of pece. Hoopefully you finish it. Ii think you could go in a million directions with this if you really wanted to. Can't complain about the mechanics.. rolls off the toungue pretty nicely. Keep writing

thx dude.

[Dove Dozer]

@Lars.

Thx im more audio inclined btw. But thx again

[Just Write]

this was pretty dope man, you should definitely keep it going. it has the means to be a great drop.. i was already bummed that i couldnt read more haha. i will feed this properly when you post the end version.

[Lars]

Good lord was I in asshole mode when I wrote that reply haha!

[Flow]

Originally Posted by Lars

Good lord was I in asshole mode when I wrote that reply haha!

Lol I thought it was pretty good - I get like that when im hungry too...

As for the drop - @nO gOoD!
These are my accounts of a manical rise of a beast.
A tyrant who hides in the streets, and thrives on lies and deceipt.

Nice bar.... Think Lars was being a bit picky with the comma but he is right, its not needed.

Overall nice peice while its in planning stages...Think about where you go from there though..

I will be back to give full feedback when its completed so let me know!!

[Darker Ego]

Vet work

[sral]

oh shit, Dove Dozer is @no good?