Quarter Final: Richard Schwartz vs. Template [RICHARD SCHWARTZ WINS 6-2]

Certain · 08-17-2014, 11:54 PM

Richard Schwartz: Your tone, delivery and style here were very similar to Template's last round. I really enjoy clear, level-headed discourse in topical verses, and I don't think these approaches are common enough. Your take on the topic could be considered a little shaky, reminiscent of when I used street art as topics for a week of the Art of Writing League's third season and nearly half of the verses were about street art instead of the art depicted. But I think the use of evil in the world as framing could help justify your verse as it relates to the topic. What was most impressive here was clarity with which you wrote while still shining in mechanical areas. The "destined to be"/"Despicable Me"/"Expendables 3" rhyme was one of the most memorable I've read in a while. The slow start felt natural rather than lax. I liked this verse quite a bit.

Template: I've lately been doing a lot of thinking on the matter of short verses, specifically in the 10- to 16-line range. One of the keys is not biting off more than you can properly develop in that tight space. Another is that if you're telling a story, the action needs to be immediate. Those failings really hurt you here. This could have been an amazing verse told over 36-plus lines. But you truncated in an unwieldy way, and the content itself deserved lengthier treatment. I get that time was an issue here, though you posted 17 minutes before the deadline and probably would have been wise to use that extra time to flesh out the space between the second and third stanzas as well as the ending. The writing was captivating, and I was engrossed until I was unsated.

Vote: Richard Schwartz

08-17-2014, 11:54 PM	#9
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Richard Schwartz: Your tone, delivery and style here were very similar to Template's last round. I really enjoy clear, level-headed discourse in topical verses, and I don't think these approaches are common enough. Your take on the topic could be considered a little shaky, reminiscent of when I used street art as topics for a week of the Art of Writing League's third season and nearly half of the verses were about street art instead of the art depicted. But I think the use of evil in the world as framing could help justify your verse as it relates to the topic. What was most impressive here was clarity with which you wrote while still shining in mechanical areas. The "destined to be"/"Despicable Me"/"Expendables 3" rhyme was one of the most memorable I've read in a while. The slow start felt natural rather than lax. I liked this verse quite a bit. Template: I've lately been doing a lot of thinking on the matter of short verses, specifically in the 10- to 16-line range. One of the keys is not biting off more than you can properly develop in that tight space. Another is that if you're telling a story, the action needs to be immediate. Those failings really hurt you here. This could have been an amazing verse told over 36-plus lines. But you truncated in an unwieldy way, and the content itself deserved lengthier treatment. I get that time was an issue here, though you posted 17 minutes before the deadline and probably would have been wise to use that extra time to flesh out the space between the second and third stanzas as well as the ending. The writing was captivating, and I was engrossed until I was unsated. Vote: Richard Schwartz __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.