pulse

[Split]

Two hands on my chest
when I handle a grey thought sullenly.
Veins, taut, underneath the design of a beast.

"Design of a beast" seemed out of place. Weird opener. You sound corpselike



Preoccupied with the skin, the ocular lies, hiding a grin,
Crop the disguise: ink drops hit the eyes in a squint.
Bop in my stride? More like I walk by with a limp.

First line wasn't to my tastes. But deft characterization, getting visuals of like 1930s comic book villains in lush printed ink.


The climate is crisp.
Glass cobbles from cracked bottles escorting
a chorus. Awkward. They’re trying to sing.
Love lost in the sheets that a tyrant defends,

What does this mean? "Tyrant" is a good word. Very colorful.


Tossing change - hate myself - buying a friend.
Love found on the streets in the smile of a guest’s
thin, cracked lips.

This was dry but nice concise writing.


Distracted. This hatchet
would be buried if I could just find some earth,

dope. favorite line of the piece.

Occupied with worth: a client; the worst,
the first slave buying a serf dying to serve.
Mother’s trying to stir while my mind is inert.
Admiring hurt. Grow to inspire a herd.
- My life is my word

Boring rhymes here. "mother's trying to stir while my mind is inert" sounds like a Buster Bluth excerpt from the humorless Scottish adaptation of Arrested Development.

and I’m more tight-lipped than I would prefer.
Silence the air when we step out for dinner,

Awesome awesome couplet. Second line is sublime, carries so much weight in the piece. Really, you could have gone wherever you wanted after this line. I get an image of two grad students stepping outside onto the patio of an expensive restaurant downtown. Both in peacoats and dress shoes. "Silence the air" is simply fantastic, it centers the action on the moment, creates tension, is very strong imagery that resonates with anyone.

Body heat -- commodity, expounding winter.
Estranged. Hugged it out and you found I was thinner.

Again, dope follow-through here.

Wrote you a letter but the message was false:
My pencil is precious. Alchemist. Turns lead into gold.

Cool metaphor. "Alchemist" was clunky.

One-shot to the noggin’s a deafening note,
Two taps where my heart is to check for a pulse.

Last line is a cool callback, but "noggin" is out of place.


overall, cool drop. I wasn't impressed with the rhymes and flow compared to your usual standards, but there were ill lines scattered throughout. That "silence the air" thing might take its place as my favorite bit of your writing. I think you struggled a little bit with your voice here, seemed on and off. Good piece.

write more. collab.